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Band 4.5

Some people think that patents should teach children how to be good member of society. Others, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
While
Linking Words
 some people believe that
parents
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 should educate their
children
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 to be a useful member of
society
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, others consider it is the
responsibily
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 of a
school
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.
Both
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 sides will be discussed in the forthcoming paragraphs, and I believe in the foremost statement.
Body · 1
On the one hand,
children
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 spend
their
Correct determiner usage
apply
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most of
the
Correct article usage
their
show examples
 time with their
parents
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. Not only that
but
Correct word choice
apply
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also
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,
they
Correct word choice
but they
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have
Correct word order
also have
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 their first learnings from their
parents
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.
Therefore
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, fathers and mothers
both
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 play an important role in their growth. As
children
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 are like clay,
parents
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 can shape them in any form they want.
Therefore
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, it is their
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 to educate young people to be a part of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
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.
Last
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 but not least, they should be well behaved
infront
Correct your spelling
in front
 of
children
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, as
children
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 learn what they see.
For instance
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, Napoleon Bonaparte said, "Give me an educated mother, I shall promise you a birth of civilized, educated nation".
Body · 2
On the other hand
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,
school
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 is
a
Correct article usage
the
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 backbone of a nation, and after
parents
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, teachers are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsible for making good citizens. So,
school
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also
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 have a great impact on
children
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, how they will be known in
the
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apply
show examples
society
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. Moral values, civic senses,
necessary
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and necessary
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 skills should be taught in schools, under
national
Correct article usage
the national
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curriculam
Correct your spelling
curriculum
.
Linking Words
however
Fix capitalization
However
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, nowadays,
both
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parents
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 have jobs, and they do not have
required
Correct article usage
the required
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 time for their
children
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.
As a result
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,
children
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 often get
traumatized
Change the spelling
traumatised
show examples
 and lead a
unhealty
Punctuation problem
unhealty,
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 frustrated life. So, it is essential for them to learn
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
 habits, discipline life from
school
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. Those important expertise
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 a
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children to
Fix the agreement mistake
child
show examples
 a good member of a
society
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, from my point of
judgement
Check wording
view
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, I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
both
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parents
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 and schools have
same
Correct article usage
the same
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 value for
making a
Verb problem
raising
show examples
children
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 to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 of
society
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both views more fully. You did this, but your own view changes. In body 1, you support parents more. In the end, you say both are the same. Keep one clear view from start to end.
task response
Give more clear and real support for each main idea. Some ideas are too general. Add one simple example for parents and one simple example for school.
task response
Your main points are relevant, but some sentences are hard to understand because of word choice and grammar. Use shorter and simpler sentences to make ideas clear.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic structure: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion. This is good. But some linking is not smooth. Use simple links like 'First', 'Also', 'For example', 'In contrast', and 'In conclusion'.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat, such as the role of parents. Try to give one main idea in each paragraph and then explain it.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has one clear topic sentence. Then add 2 or 3 supporting sentences. This will make your writing easier to follow.
task response
You discussed both sides of the topic, which is important for this task.
task response
You gave your opinion and wrote a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay uses a clear paragraph plan, so the reader can follow the basic flow.
coherence and cohesion
You used some linking words like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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