IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Young people today spend much of their leisure time using electronic devices or interacting on social media. Many people say that this is a waste of their free time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is true that nowadays a lot of children spend their leisure
time
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 on social
media
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, people
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. People
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 claim that it is a waste of their
time
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,
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.
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 I totally agree with
this
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 view, as I believe that children are wasting their
time
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while
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 learning nothing and over a certain period of
time
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, they might hate studying.
Body · 1
The most important reason for my agreement is that students are wasting their expensive
time
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while
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 they gain nothing
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in
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, in
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 contrast,
whereas
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 if they replaced
this
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 bad habit with reading, over
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time
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time,
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 they will have a massive amount of knowledge and an
intelligent
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intelligent,
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 analytical mind
, it
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. It
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 is clearly an investment of a child’s free
time
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.
For instance
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Body · 2
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Body · 3
Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.
Body · 4
,
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apply
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if
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If
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 we compared two students’ academic level, one of them invested his free
time
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 in reading,
whereas
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 the other wasted his free
time
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 on social
media
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 applications
such
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 as TikTok, Instagram, SnapChat and so on.
As a result
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 of
this
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, you will not be surprised when you know that the first student’s grade is better.
Body · 5
Equally important is that teenagers who spend most of their
time
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 on PlayStation or personal computers might hate studying. We often hear from teachers that it is extremely dangerous to keep the children on electronic devices without limits.
Consequently
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, pupils will be used to consuming cheap dopamine from social
media
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, which could impact a pupil’s brain, whereby
he does
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they do
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 not find any fun in normal activities like reading and studying
due to
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 the quick dopamine they used to take. Without good parental vision, dramatic ramifications can be caused.
Body · 6
There are those who claim that the
time
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 young people spend on social
media
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 could be an advantage for them.
However
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,
this
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 is far from being true because
of the
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apply
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damage might occur to their brains.
Conclusion
For these reasons, I strongly believe that it is critical to direct the child where to spend his free
time
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, and to make sure that
they do
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he does
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 not spend too much
time
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 on social
media
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 or phones
due to
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 the bad impact it might cause.

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task response
Answer all parts of the task more fully. You give a clear view, but you do not really show how far you agree in a balanced way.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and a full example. One example is too short, and one point is not well explained.
task response
Stay focused on the essay only. Remove lines that are not part of your essay, because they break your answer.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear paragraphing. Your essay has an intro, body, and end, but some sentences are too long and hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simple and correct way. Some linkers are used too much or in the wrong place.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph center on one main idea, then support it step by step.
task response
You clearly state your opinion in the introduction and keep the same view to the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic overall structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to use examples to support your ideas, which is good for IELTS writing.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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