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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countiries, owning a home rather than renting one is very important for some people. Why might this be the case? Do you thing it is a positive or negative situation?

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Introduction
In some cities, owning a
proporty
Correct your spelling
property
instead
Linking Words
 of renting one is very significant for some citizens. I think it is a positive situation
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
 for young
people
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the beginning of their lives. Because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 can invest their
money
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 owning a
house
Use synonyms
. Afterwards,
this
Linking Words
 home can save them during any
finacial
Correct your spelling
financial
 crises. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 homes prices always increase.
Body · 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, sometimes young
people
Use synonyms
 doubt
between
Correct word choice
whether to
show examples
 buy or rent a
house
Use synonyms
,
In
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the beginning of their lives.
Also
Linking Words
,
They
Fix capitalization
they
show examples
 may need to save
money
Use synonyms
. So, they can face
Use synonyms
houses
Check wording
house
show examples
 owners,
Anytime
Fix capitalization
anytime
show examples
, talk to them about
higher in a
Correct word order
a higher
show examples
 price
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 renting than
previous
Correct article usage
the previous
show examples
 month.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can be
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 obstacle to them for saving
money
Use synonyms
. Unlike, if young
people
Use synonyms
 pay the same montly renting for
Use synonyms
houses
Check wording
house
show examples
 loans
programas by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 banks. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 Banks can provide a
full price
Replace the word
fully priced
house
Use synonyms
 to those
people
Use synonyms
, but they pay monthly to the bank.
Body · 2
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not help them to own a home,
but
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
they make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 a long term investment. When, anytime, they can sell
this
Linking Words
proporty
Correct your spelling
property
then
Linking Words
 higher than
it's
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 original price.
Body · 3
Secondly
Linking Words
, sometimes, some
people
Use synonyms
 think renting can be more useful for them,
such
Linking Words
 as pilots. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they may not sit in the same country for a long time. So, they may rent a floor in a hotel during their work time in a city. But, they can make their absence useful
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
 renting their
houses
Use synonyms
 during these times for international students,
for instance
Linking Words
. So, their
houses
Use synonyms
 can be businesses to make them earn more
money
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
For me, owning a
house
Use synonyms
 can help
people
Use synonyms
 more in their first times of their lives to save
money
Use synonyms
 than renting.
Afterwords
Rephrase
Afterwards
show examples
, their
house
Use synonyms
 can give them
money
Use synonyms
 during their
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 time to renting them
in
Change preposition
during
show examples
 these times. So
because
Punctuation problem
, because
show examples
 of
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
this,
show examples
 it is a positive situation.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly: why people want a home, and why you think it is good or bad.
task response
Use simple and clear main ideas in each body part. Do not change the focus too much.
task response
Give one or two clear examples and explain them more.
coherence and cohesion
Put ideas in a smoother order. Some lines are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a natural way. Do not use too many words like 'when', 'so', and 'but' in the wrong place.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph have one main point and then support it.
task response
You answered both questions and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You tried to use examples about young people and workers who travel.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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