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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

4.Scientist found that most crimes are committed by people who lack education. Some people think that the best way to reduce the crime rate is to provide prisoners with education because it will help them find a job when they leave prison. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
According to
Linking Words
 many researchers,
uneducated
Correct article usage
the uneducated
show examples
 indulge more in illegal activities
such
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 as theft, individual attacks and murder. Most of the
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 should be provided in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
prisons to overcome
Correct article usage
the
show examples
crime
Use synonyms
 rate. In
this
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 way, prisoners can get employment when they get out of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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jail.
Body · 1
To some
extent
Punctuation problem
extent,
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 I agree with
above
Correct article usage
the above
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 point of view
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
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, only
education
Use synonyms
 in prison can't reduce the
crime
Use synonyms
 rate because some
well educated
Correct your spelling
well-educated
people
Use synonyms
also
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 engage in criminal activities. So, less
education
Use synonyms
 is not merely the reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
crime
Use synonyms
 among individuals. There is no doubt about the fact that
Illetriate
Correct your spelling
illiterate
people
Use synonyms
 are engaging in
crime
Use synonyms
 more because they don't have any skills to find work. To earn money, they
trying
Verb problem
are trying
show examples
 to find
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 shortcut. Sometimes, they
involved
Verb problem
are involved
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 in murder as well because of money. Schooling in prisons can assist them to become a good member
out
Change preposition
of
show examples
 society
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they can learn basic skills
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their career that they are interested in.
Body · 2
On the other hand
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, there are several other reasons of increasing crimes which cannot
control
Wrong verb form
be controlled
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 by giving
education
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 in prisons. The first and foremost reason is unemployment. Even though
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
people
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got
Wrong verb form
have
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 higher degrees
but
Correct word choice
,
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 they are unable to find
the
Correct article usage
apply
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skilled
occupation
Check wording
occupations
show examples
.
Such
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 situations eventually
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
show examples
 them towards crimes.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
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 should solve the unemployment problem. These days, technology is everywhere, it's replacing human in robots. Nations should consider
this
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 issue to solve the situation of increasing
crime
Use synonyms
 day by
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
day.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
education
Use synonyms
is
Change preposition
in
show examples
 jails should be compulsory to prevent the issue
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 robbery and other crimes. Meanwhile
government should raise the
Correct word order
, the government should take
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 steps to overcome the
before hand problems
Correct word order
problems beforehand,
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such
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 as unemployment.

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task response
Give a clearer answer in the first paragraph. Say if you mostly agree or mostly disagree.
task response
Add one or two clear examples to support your ideas.
task response
Explain each main idea more. Some points are too short or too general.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a smoother way. Some ideas jump too fast.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main point only.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because some parts are hard to follow.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The main topic stays clear through the essay.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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