IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Films and computer games which contain violence are very popular. Some people believe they have a negative effect on society and so should be banned. Other people, however, say they are just harmless and help people to relax. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
In
this
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 modern era, video
games
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 and action
movies
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 have become very popular among
children
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 and adults.
While
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 some
people
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 claim these
games
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 and
movies
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 have deletrious effects on society and should be banned but ,others opine that it is harmless and help
people
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 to releive stress. I agree with the latter propostion and
this
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 essay will elucidate about the both the views.
Body · 1
To begin
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 with, school and work has become more stressful to
children
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 and adults in
this
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 modern times. Many adults and
children
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 find
movies
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 and virtual
games
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 to relax and escape from their monotonous work
instead
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 of playing outdoor,
this
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 is because lack of free space in urban cities to play.
Body · 2
Eventhough these violent
games
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 have become common even many
children
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 have the awareness to not to behave because of consuming violent contents.
for example
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, many
people
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 kids are watching action
movies
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 in theaters but,they know that these violence have consequence in the real life.
Thus
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 violent
movies
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 and video
games
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 are only seen as an entertainment and escape from stress work.
Body · 3
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 claim that these violent cinema and virtual game are harmful to the society. They beleive the more you watch violent
games
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 and films, the more agressive you become.
Body · 4
for example
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, there were so many insidents in the past that many students got hurt because of doing wrestling stunts in school after watching WWE.
In addition
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 to
this
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, these violent
movies
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 and game not only make you agressive but
also
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 make reduce your feeling of remours for other
people
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.
Therefore
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, these violent
games
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 and
movies
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 should be banned.
Conclusion
In conclusion, eventhough violent
games
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 and
movies
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 are behind some harmful effects on society they are very marginal and these
games
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 and
movies
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 are stress busters for huge population. i dont think completely baning these
games
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 and films are necessary for few individuals and takeaway the happiness of millions of
people
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. Your view is clear, but the bad side needs a little more full support.
coherence and cohesion
Give clearer main ideas at the start of each body part. This helps the reader follow your points.
coherence and cohesion
Use more direct links between ideas, like 'First', 'However', 'As a result', and 'For this reason'.
task response
Add one more clear example for each side. This will make your ideas stronger and more complete.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are repeated or not fully explained. Try to explain one idea well before moving to the next one.
task response
You answered both views and gave your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You used an example about students copying wrestling moves, which fits the topic.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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