IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that technology makes people less social, while others believe it helps people communicate better. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays,
technology
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 has significantly developed so that
people
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 are concerned about the socialisation of
people
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.
While
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 some
people
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 think that
technology
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 makes
people
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 less social,
others
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 believe it helps them communicate better.
Although
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 both opinions are right, I think technological developments reduce social skills.
Body · 1
On the one hand,
crowd
Correct article usage
the crowd
show examples
 believe that developing
technology
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 can help us communicate with
others
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 more fluently. As
technology
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 developed, social
media
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 has emerged, which allows anonymity so that
people
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 communicate with strangers more actively.
Furthermore
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, they can be friends with
others
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 more easily by using social
media
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 and text messages.
As a result
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,
people
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 became more social when they
use
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technology
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while
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 they communicate compared to
people
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 who do not
use
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 it.
For instance
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, a survey in analyzing socialization of
people
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 who
use
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 social
media
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 or not, the group who
use
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 social
media
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 get high score than
people
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 who do not
use
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 it.
Body · 2
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 think the development of social
media
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 makes
people
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 less social, because
people
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 social
media
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 makes
people
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 remain longer in the Internet space. It can reduce face-to-face communication, which intensifies the
community
Check wording
community's
show examples
 getting used to anonymity.
Moreover
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, the reduction of face-to-face contact can cause a phobia of direct interaction with
people
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, which makes
people
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 prefer communicating with
others
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 by using text messages.
For example
Linking Words
, nowadays, a lot of
people
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 have a call phobia because they are more used to using social
media
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 and text messages when they communicate with
others
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.
Conclusion
Although
Linking Words
technology
Use synonyms
 makes
people
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 communicate with strangers more actively, I think the development of social
media
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 makes
people
Use synonyms
 less social because it declines face-to-face interaction between
people
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You did this, but each side needs a bit more detail.
task response
Make your opinion very clear from the start and keep it strong in all body parts.
task response
Use examples that feel more real and clear. Your survey example is too general.
coherence and cohesion
Put your ideas in a cleaner order. Some lines are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like 'first', 'also', 'however', and 'as a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Check repeated or broken parts, like 'because people social media makes people'. This hurts flow.
task response
You answered both views and gave your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Main ideas are mostly on topic and easy to see.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • online marketplaces
  • mobile payment options
  • personalized advertising
  • accessibility
  • compare prices
  • decision fatigue
  • impulse buying
  • financial imprudence
  • privacy and data security
  • transformed
  • streamlined
  • user-friendly
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