IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that schools should teach practical skills such as managing money instead of traditional academic subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Start now →
Introduction
Making money is getting easier and easier day by day, but for
teenagers
Punctuation problem
teenagers,
show examples
 it is still one of the most challenging things in their early life, so many individuals believe that
schools
Use synonyms
 should train them in managing money rather than teaching academic
subjects
Use synonyms
. I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion because handling finances is important to learn
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, academic skills and
subjects
Use synonyms
even
Verb problem
are even
show examples
 more essential in your entire life.
Body · 1
On the one hand, making and managing your finances is hard to learn, and
needs
Correct pronoun usage
it needs
show examples
 a lot of time. But it would be easier in the future if you learned it before, like in school.
However
Linking Words
, there are already
Linking Words
this kind
Fix the agreement mistake
these kinds
show examples
 of
specialized
Change the spelling
specialised
show examples
schools
Use synonyms
 in some countries , and they
really
Verb problem
are really
show examples
 helping students to be financially elegant in the future. So
this
Linking Words
 is great if
schools
Use synonyms
starting
Wrong verb form
start
show examples
 teaching
such
Linking Words
 things.
Body · 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, despite these facts,
schools
Use synonyms
 must continue teaching basic academic skills. Because these skills and
subjects
Use synonyms
 are even more important for
persons
Check wording
people
show examples
 in their entire lifetime.
For example
Linking Words
, we must learn how to read and write
Linking Words
firstly
Replace the word
first
, and after
we
Correct word choice
that, we
show examples
 should learn some
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as math, P.E, physics, computer science, biology, geometry, and other kinds of knowledge that we need in our daily lives.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I would say that training students to
managing
Wrong verb form
manage
show examples
 their money is good, but they can learn it after school, when they grow up. So, school is the place where we learn the basics, and I think teaching academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 in
schools
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 even more essential for students.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the question more clearly. Say in a direct way how much you agree or disagree, and keep this same idea in all parts.
task response
Add one or two clear examples to support your main ideas. This will make your essay stronger and more real.
task response
Develop each main point more. Some ideas are good, but they are short and not fully explained.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Some parts connect well, but some sentences feel abrupt.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences clearer at the start of each body paragraph. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar because some errors make your meaning less clear.
task response
You answered both sides of the topic and gave your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used basic linking words like 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', and 'In conclusion'.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: