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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days, many children have difficulty paying attention and concentrating in their classes at school. What are the reasons for this? How can it be dealt with?

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Introduction
Nowadays, a lot of pupils find
hard
Correct pronoun usage
it hard
show examples
 to
focus
Use synonyms
 in their classes at school. Because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 many
children
Use synonyms
 have access to
use smart phones
Verb problem
smartphones
show examples
 in their
houses
Check wording
homes
show examples
.
Also
Linking Words
, some of them use
this
Linking Words
 access unsupervised
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 their
parents
Use synonyms
. So,
applications new
Correct word order
new applications'
show examples
 features can
tend
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 them to not tolerate
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
long
movement
Check wording
movements
show examples
 or talks.
Body · 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, a lot of
children
Use synonyms
 have smart devices in their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
 now and
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 internet connection with them. Other times, their
using
Replace the word
use
 of these devices can be unlimited for a specific
time
Use synonyms
 by their
parents
Use synonyms
. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 may search for funny videos or games on applications. Meanwhile, all applications now
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
have short videos
may
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 not more than one minute per video, for
scroling
Correct your spelling
scrolling
 one by one. A lot of
children
Use synonyms
 can face
this
Linking Words
 feature in all apps. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they can scroll for two
hour
Fix the agreement mistake
hours
show examples
 in short reels.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 People who
uplode
Correct your spelling
upload
 these reels
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 sometimes, they target
socities
Correct your spelling
societies
 from
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
. They ensure the reel will be watched by
children
Use synonyms
. So, they add the original content of the reel with other
video
Fix the agreement mistake
videos
show examples
 for
game
Correct article usage
a game
show examples
 or
cartoon
Correct article usage
a cartoon
show examples
.
Linking Words
This they
Correct pronoun usage
They
show examples
 ensure that the child can not
bored
Verb problem
be bored
show examples
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the video. As
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 result,
children
Use synonyms
 cannot tolerate
to
Wrong verb form
focusing
show examples
focus
Use synonyms
 on anything for a long
time
Use synonyms
.
Escpecially
Use the right word
Especially
show examples
, books and teachers
when
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
,
they
Correct word choice
when they
show examples
 tend to skip if they feel bored.
Body · 2
Secondly
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have the solution
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they
can be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 unaware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the effects of social media on their
children
Use synonyms
. So, they must limit the
Use synonyms
children using
Replace the word
use
 of phones
.
Change preposition
by children.
show examples
 And they can feel
the child
Check wording
apply
show examples
that using them is a reward
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if he achieves
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high grades in his exams. Or he can use them in
hoildays
Correct your spelling
holidays
 only for
limited
Correct article usage
a limited
show examples
time
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can leave them far from any
dectructive
Correct your spelling
destructive
 on their attention.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 can convince them to do any activities to compensate
them
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the absence of smart devices. They can connect more physically
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the world. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they can study in their free
time
Use synonyms
 or
reading
Wrong verb form
read
show examples
 books. All
this
Linking Words
 will reflect on their performance in their schools. They can tend to
focus
Use synonyms
 on the long movement and
talks
Wrong verb form
talk
show examples
 regularly.
Conclusion
In conclusion, Social media and its new reels features can harm childern attention. When they
can
Rephrase
cannot
show examples
 tend the child to not tolerate any long movement or connection. So,
parents
Use synonyms
 must limit their
using
Replace the word
use
 of social media. As
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 result, they will
convince
Wrong verb form
be convinced
show examples
 to replace the
time
Use synonyms
of
Verb problem
spent
show examples
 using phones,
when,
Correct word choice
which
show examples
this
Linking Words
 can help them to
focus
Use synonyms
 on their
studying
Replace the word
studies
.

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task response
Task response: You answer both parts of the question, but some ideas are not fully clear. Explain how phone use hurts focus in a more direct way.
task response
Task response: Add one clear and real example, such as a child who watches short videos late at night and then cannot listen in class the next day.
task response
Task response: Your second part gives solutions, but they are mostly about parents. You can add school help too, like phone rules in class.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Many sentences begin with words like 'When', 'So', and 'As the result' in a way that feels broken. Write shorter and more direct sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Some linking words are not used well. Use easy links like 'First', 'Also', 'Because of this', and 'In conclusion'.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Keep one main idea in each paragraph. For example, one paragraph for reasons and one paragraph for solutions.
task response
Task response: You stay on the topic and talk about both reasons and solutions.
task response
Task response: Your main idea about short videos and phones is relevant to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: You use paragraphs, and this helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: You have an introduction and a conclusion, which gives the essay a full shape.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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