IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

`Ownership of mobile phones has risen dramatically in recent years despite the potentially harmful effects they may have on our health and on society. Governments should introduce measures to restrict ownership of mobile phones to those who need them for their work.` `To what extent do you agree or disagree?`

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The
use
Use synonyms
 of mobile
phones
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 has grown rapidly across the world, raising concerns about their possible impact on
people
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's
health
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 and social life. Whether legal restrictions are needed
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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has been widely debated for a couple of years. Some
people
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 suggest that governments should control
ownership
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 and allow
phone
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 usage only for
work
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. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 proposal is too extreme, and I completely disagree with it. Those who demand legal restrictions
to
Change preposition
on
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 mobile
phone
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ownership
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 only to
people
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 who need them for
work
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,
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apply
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 maintain that
people
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 will be healthier, and society will be better without
phones
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.
Researches
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Research
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 clearly shows that
,
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apply
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 excessive
phone
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 usage may cause
health
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 problems
such
Linking Words
 as posture deformation, eye damage and attention deficit.
Moreover
Linking Words
, smartphones weaken the face to face communication, especially among
new
Correct article usage
the new
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 generation, as they spend too much time on social media. So
that
Correct word choice
apply
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, proponents of
this
Linking Words
 view
believes
Correct subject-verb agreement
believe
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 that limiting
phone
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ownership
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 could protect public
health
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 and affect social life well.
However
Linking Words
, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 idea because restricting mobile
phones
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 is an extreme and unrealistic idea. In today's world
mobile
Punctuation problem
, mobile
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phones
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 are essential not only for
work
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, but for education, communication, banking and emergencies.
For instance
Linking Words
, students
use
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 them to access online materials, families
use
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 them to reach their loved ones, and almost everyone
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use
Correct subject-verb agreement
uses
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 them to transfer money or pay bills easily. What I am suggesting is,
instead
Linking Words
 of prohibiting
phones
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,
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 should educate the
people
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 about
consciously
Replace the word
conscious
phone
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use
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 and introduce rules to reduce harmful effects,
such
Linking Words
 as limiting screen time for children. Therefor mobile
phones
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 should remain accessible for everyone. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 mobile
phones
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has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 negative effects
for
Change preposition
on
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health
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 and social life, restricting
ownership
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 only to
people
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 who
use
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 them for
work
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 is not the solution we need. Governments should focus on educating society and raising awareness about responsible
phone
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use
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 rather than limiting
people
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's rights to own a device.

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coherence cohesion
Make your ideas more clear with simple topic lines at the start of each body part.
coherence cohesion
Use link words more carefully. Some parts like 'So that' and 'What I am suggesting is' do not fit well.
task achievement
Add one more clear example to make your points stronger and more full.
task achievement
Explain the health and social points a little more so the reader can see how and why they matter.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end.
task achievement
You answer the question and give a clear opinion from the start.
task achievement
Your main ideas are on topic and easy to follow most of the time.
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