IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays, many
people
Use synonyms
 compete with
others
Use synonyms
 to enter the university or
work
Use synonyms
 in companies. Some
people
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 think that
competition
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 at
work
Use synonyms
, at school and in daily life is a good thing,
while
Linking Words
others
Use synonyms
 believe that trying to cooperate more, rather than
competing
Punctuation problem
competing,
show examples
 is better for living.
Although
Linking Words
 both opinions are right,
Linking Words
however
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
I think that we need to compete with
others
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 in order to develop ourselves.
Body · 1
On the one hand, some
people
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 insist that we need to cooperate more nowadays. Today,
competition
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 is too intense, which makes
people
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 only focus on their
results
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.
This
Linking Words
 situation makes
people
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 feel lonely because we only need to compete with
others
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 rather than
work
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together with
Linking Words
people
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.
In addition
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,
people
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 can achieve good
results
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 when they
work
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 together because diverse ideas from many
people
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 can lead to better conclusions.
For instance
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 a company survey, projects involving multiple
people
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 performed better.
Body · 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
people
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 suggest that
competition
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 is good for working and studying hard. The
competition
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 makes
people
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 harder in companies, which
results
Use synonyms
 in better
results
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 than
others
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. From the company’s perspective, they will encourage the
competence
Check wording
cooperation
show examples
 between coworkers to make better
conclusions
Check wording
decisions
show examples
 for their company.
In addition
Linking Words
, at school,
Competition
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 makes
students
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 study harder, which helps them to get better grades.
For example
Linking Words
, a survey in A highschool, the group of
students
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 who competed with
others
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 got higher grades than
students
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 who didn’t compete with other
students
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.
Conclusion
Although
Linking Words
 cooperating more with
people
Use synonyms
 is important, I think that
competition
Use synonyms
 is more important in our daily lives because it helps us in order to develop ourselves.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. Your view is clear, but each side needs a little more detail.
task response
Give stronger examples. The survey examples are useful, but they are too general and not fully explained.
task response
Make your ideas clearer. Some sentences are hard to follow because of word choice and grammar.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. 'Although' and 'however' together in one sentence is not correct.
coherence and cohesion
Build each paragraph around one main idea, then explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Connect example to main point more clearly, so the reader can see why it matters.
task response
You discussed both views and gave your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Main ideas are easy to see in each paragraph.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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