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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that playing video games is bad for children in every aspects. Others saying that playing video game have positive effects on the way children develop. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Some people believe that playing
video
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Use synonyms
game
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games
show examples
 is harmful for a
child
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in
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on
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 all sides.
However
Linking Words
, others say that these
games
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 can have
advantages impacts on
Correct word order
advantageous impacts on children's
show examples
children
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 improvement. I discuss both views, but, for me, the way these
games
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create
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are designed
show examples
 to take the
attention
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 of the
child
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, so they can
destruct
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distract
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 him from his studying, and maybe worse. On the one hand, a
video
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game
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 is created to keep a
child
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 always interested
about
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in
show examples
 what can come in a next level. And
this
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 can guarantee
a
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apply
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success for a
game
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. When
,
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apply
show examples
 the
child
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start
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starts
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 to
play
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play,
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 he can face a mission.
then
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 if he moves to the next one, the barriers might increase. In the same pattern, level by level
the
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, the
show examples
child
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 can be more
competitve
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competitive
 and
motivited
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motivated
 to
constant
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continue
. Whilst
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
this
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 can be unlimited levels and missions with the same pattern.
the
Fix capitalization
The
show examples
child
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 can
motivate
Wrong verb form
be motivated
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 to play again and again
.
Punctuation problem
,
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 and he can go creepy to play,
while
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 his parents do not know that. During
this
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, he can
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not pay
attention
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 to the
time
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. Sometimes, he can spend the whole night playing.
Then
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 he can avoid his school
time
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 in the morning, or go without
sleeping-well
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sleeping well
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. As
the
Correct article usage
a
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 result,
this
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 can affect his studying performance in
his
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apply
show examples
school negatively
to do
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by
show examples
 not
pay a good
Wrong verb form
paying
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attention
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for
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to
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 his class.
In addition
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, he can spend much of his
time
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 playing alone. So his social communication with his friend can decrease,
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also
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as well as
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 his family.
On the other hand
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,
children
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 may not have much knowledge about how to protect themselves if there is any danger.
In
Change preposition
For
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 the first
time
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, they gain
this
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 through their experience and situations. But, some
video
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games
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 can teach
children
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 without
put
Wrong verb form
putting
show examples
 them in
a
Correct article usage
apply
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real danger. During some
games
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children
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 play, they stimulate a real fight with other players or characters from the
game
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, sometimes
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. Sometimes
show examples
, they defend themselves from others
,
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.
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 Other times, they fight.
For example
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, WWE series
games
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 which the
charachter
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characters
 stimulate
movement
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movement,
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 resembles to real humans. So,
this
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 can increase the
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child
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child's
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 awareness about how people
protact
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protect
 themselves.
Consequencly
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Consequently
, over
time
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, he can have an impression about how people
do
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behave
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 in these situations. And he can treat in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 right way, without previous experience. In my opinion,
video
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games
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 created in a way to
take
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capture
show examples
 the
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child
Check wording
child's
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attention
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by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 unlimited missions. So, the
child
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 can spend much of his
time
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 playing without paying
attention
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 to his
study
Check wording
studies
show examples
. With
this
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, his social communication can be affected badly.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. Your view is clear, but the good side needs more full support.
task response
Use simpler and clearer main ideas. Some ideas are hard to follow because the meaning is not always clear.
task response
Give more direct examples to support each main point. One clear real example is better than many unclear lines.
coherence and cohesion
Group each paragraph around one main idea only. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully, such as 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'As a result'. Sometimes they are used in an unclear way.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and make shorter sentences. This will help your ideas connect better.
task response
You answered the task and gave your opinion in the end.
task response
You discussed both views, not only one side.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear paragraph plan with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used some linking words to show different sides and results.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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