IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Schools should focus more on teaching students how to be successful in the workforce and less on helping them to achieve academic success. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is always an argument that academic excellence does not help in being a better worker and achieving highs in a professional life. I believe that good scores in schools have no corelation in a person's success. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will explain
that
Correct word choice
apply
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how focusing more on practical than theoretical can help students to have
better
Correct article usage
a better
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future
Use synonyms
.  First and
formost
Correct your spelling
foremost
, life is all about having practical
experiances
Correct your spelling
experiences
 rather than reading from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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books. In
a
Correct article usage
apply
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recent
period
Check wording
years
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, schools
are
Wrong verb form
have been
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 more focused on providing theoretical knowledge to the kids and putting them under pressure of regular exams, homeworks and competitions. In results, the children's
IQ
Fix the agreement mistake
IQs
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 are going down because they don't have time to explore the outside world and fulfil their curiosities. On top of it,
this
Linking Words
 impact on their physical abilities and their mental growth. A recent
studies
Fix the agreement mistake
study
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 shows that Gen Z is the physically weakest generation of all time.
Hence
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, poor health generates
poor
Correct article usage
a poor
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 workforce
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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this
Linking Words
 put burden on the nation and
raise
Correct subject-verb agreement
raises
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 the cost of medical expenses and social
securities
Check wording
security
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. Another factor is that books are no longer required in
this
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 era.
Advancement
Check wording
Advancements
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 in technology
brought
Verb problem
have brought
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 humans to the level where they have
an
Correct article usage
apply
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access to all the information
in
Change preposition
at
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 their
hands
Check wording
fingertips
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. When the knowledge is so easy to get
why
Punctuation problem
, why
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 would someone even bother to go to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school?
This
Linking Words
 is the matter of debate where people believe that the
insitutions
Correct your spelling
institutions
 are not functional anymore. But by
provinding pratical experiances
Correct your spelling
providing practical experiences
 that can help kids to gain valuable lessons to become ready for the
future
Use synonyms
 could justify the value of schools.
Future
Use synonyms
 needs smart
worker
Check wording
workers
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 who can make, operate and design machines that can do the hard labour to ease
the
Correct article usage
apply
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human life.  In conclusion, educational institutions should focus more on preparing skilled and
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
future
Use synonyms
generation
Check wording
generations
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 rather than the
book worms
Correct your spelling
bookworms
.
This
Linking Words
 shift could prevent countries to go in financial and labour crisis.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. Say clearly how much you agree, and keep this same idea in all body parts.
task response
Explain your main ideas more fully. Some points are interesting, but they are too general or too broad.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. The essay has claims, but they are not well proved.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part have one main idea only. This will make your argument easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more carefully. Some sentences jump too fast from one point to another.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph development. Add a topic sentence, explanation, and example in each main paragraph.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and keep a similar view in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words like First, Another factor, and In conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • workforce
  • practical skills
  • academic success
  • real-world application
  • adaptable skills
  • vocational training
  • holistic development
  • evolving job market
  • academic rigor
  • interdisciplinary
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