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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many young children are spending large amount of time in front of screens. What are the causes of this and what other problems does it lead to?

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Children
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 these days are contributing
extended
Correct article usage
an extended
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 period of
hour
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hours
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 in front of screens.
This
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 is mainly because of the advancement in technology, and they have easy access to use it
also
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,
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this
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 can create an issue in the
overall
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 development of
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childern
Correct your spelling
children
. One main reason for spending a significant amount of
time
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 on phones is social media
with
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, with
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 a variety of content which attracts most young
children
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.
For example
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, Instagram, Snapchat and other apps built with new features ,
such
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 as reels
which
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, which
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 are quite addictive for
Children
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 to spend as much
time
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they
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as they
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 want without recognising it is
such
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 a waste of their
time
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. Another reason is that some parents want to keep their
children
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 entertained as they need to finish their household duties or other work-related tasks without any interruptions.
Hence
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, these can make a child spend extra hours on screening There are numerous problems of
this
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 usage which can affect on childs
overall
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 performance in each sector of their life,
such
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 as educationally, physically, and mentally. These days
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childern
Correct your spelling
children
 do not spend
time
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 on outdoor sports because they prefer to play online games, which direactly impact on a child's brain.
As a result
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,
this
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 creates a lack of confidence in making friends or
while
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 communicating with others. In conclusion, devoting a large amount of day to screens can highly impact on the cognitive development of
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childern
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children
. Parents ought to restrict their
children
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 from social sites;
instead
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, of that
childern
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 should contribute
that
Fix the agreement mistake
those
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 hours to educational purposes to get more advantages.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain the causes, but the problems part is short.
task response
Add one more clear problem, like poor sleep, weak eyes, or less study time.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple and clear main ideas in each body part. One body part for causes, one body part for problems is good.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with easy words like because, so, also, for example, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each example clearly supports the main point.
task response
You answer both parts of the question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You give real examples like Instagram and Snapchat.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive screen time
  • digital devices
  • interactive content
  • remote learning
  • social interaction
  • engagement
  • convenience
  • traditional playtime
  • screen dependency
  • educational purposes
  • video games
  • streaming services
  • captivate
  • shift in daily routines
  • peer connection
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