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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

the graphs below show the number of people in europle affected by four types of noise pollution in 2007

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Presented in the given bar graph are data relating to effects
such
Linking Words
 as
traffic
Use synonyms
, trains, aircraft,
Use synonyms
industry
Correct word choice
and industry
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to
Change preposition
on
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 individuals who lived in Europe in 2007. The data
measured
Verb problem
is measured
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 in
numbers of
Check wording
apply
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millions.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 in both urban and rural areas
Use synonyms
traffic
Punctuation problem
, traffic
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 recorded the highest figure,
while
Linking Words
industry
Use synonyms
 accounted for the smallest share. Observing in detail, in cities,
traffic
Use synonyms
 impacted 68 and 48, in
day
Use synonyms
 and
night
Use synonyms
relatively
Punctuation problem
, relatively
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. The impact of trains was almost
same
Correct article usage
the same
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, accounting for 10 and 8.
Aircraft
Check wording
Aircraft's
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 influence
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 people represented 4 in
Use synonyms
day
Correct article usage
the day
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,
while
Linking Words
 it constituted 1
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
night
Use synonyms
.
Industry
Use synonyms
 affected 1 in daytime
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it impacted 0.25
Use synonyms
night
Change preposition
at night
show examples
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 was the smallest index. Turning to the figures of rural areas,
traffic
Use synonyms
 impact made up 35 and 24, in
day
Use synonyms
 and
night
Use synonyms
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
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.
While
Linking Words
 the figure for trains illustrated 8 in
Use synonyms
day
Correct article usage
the day
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, it represented 6
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
night
Use synonyms
. The
effect
Check wording
effects
show examples
 of
aircraft
Correct article usage
the aircraft
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 differed from 1 to each other.
Industry
Use synonyms
 did not
influenced
Wrong verb form
influence
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 citizens both
in
Change preposition
during the
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day
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
night
Change preposition
at night
show examples
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words traffic, industry, day, night with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "represented" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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