IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Sports today is turning into a business and there are companies involved that sponsors sports with ever growing prize money for the sportsmen as a part of their advertising. Some people agree to this because it has a good effect on the world of sports, other disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Nowadays, it is a common phenomenon to encounter advertisements during
sports
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. It is frequently debated whether companies should promote their
products
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 through international matches or if advertising and
businesses
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businesses'
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involvement
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 in
sports
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 has an adverse effect on society.
While
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 I acknowledge its adverse effects, I firmly believe that companies'
involvement
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 in
sports
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 and product placement is essential because it yields far greater long-term benefits for the athletes. A principal argument for supporting the initial perspective involves the concept of its adverse effect on contemporary society. Business
organizations
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organisations
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 and manufacturers promote their
products
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in between
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during
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 international matches, which can disrupt the viewing experience for fans.
Additionally
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,
organizers
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organisers
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 allow harmful
products
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,
such
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 as tobacco or liquor, to be advertised by
players
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,
by
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apply
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which
the youth can be affected
Correct word order
can affect the youth
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.
Therefore
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, critics are opposed to allowing business
involvement
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 in
sports
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.
Nevertheless
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, it is equally critical to evaluate the vital role associated with
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players
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players'
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 retirement and improvement of game quality.
Players
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 associated with
sports
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 devote their entire lives to preparing themselves. But after a certain
age
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age,
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 they have to retire without sufficient retirement packages. By working as a model or winning high prize money, they can earn a sufficient amount of money for their retirement.
Furthermore
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, a substantial amount of monetary allocation is required to improve the quality of the game and for training purposes. A large portion of which comes from advertisements. In conclusion, after evaluating both perspectives, it is evident that sponsors'
involvement
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 in
sports
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 has more positive effects on the world of
sports
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.
Consequently
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, the
organizers
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organisers
show examples
 and
players
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 should be careful
while
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 choosing
products
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 for promotion.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You wrote both views, but the first side is shorter than the second side.
task response
Give one clear example for each side. This will make your ideas stronger and easier to trust.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in the body too, not only in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas need clearer support. For example, explain more how ads help training and game quality.
coherence and cohesion
Link some sentences more smoothly. A few parts feel a bit formal and hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main idea, then add 1 or 2 support points in a clear order.
task response
You answered the question and gave your opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraphs follow a logical order and are easy to follow most of the time.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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