IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today many children suffer from Obesity. This is a serious health issue. Give reasons for this problem and offer solutions to fix this problem.

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Recently
Punctuation problem
Recently,
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 obesity
become
Verb problem
has become
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 a major issue in the
teenager
Replace the word
teenage
 generation.
Children
Check wording
Children's
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 health is under serious danger. Lifestyle
habits
Use synonyms
 are the direct reason in
this
Linking Words
 case.
This
Linking Words
 essay will review the reasons behind
this
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 problem,
as well as
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 the solutions that will help to get rid of its impact on their general health.
Firstly
Linking Words
, Unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 is the main reason the
bodies
Use synonyms
 gain fat, calories, and unsafe elements added to some commercial products. The crystal clear example is fast
food
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
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 available
every where
Correct your spelling
everywhere
 and at any time,
thus
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, people take it as
first
Correct determiner usage
their first
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 choice without any doubt.
Secondly
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, lack of sport and
exercises
Check wording
exercise
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also
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train
Correct subject-verb agreement
trains
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 human
being
Check wording
beings'
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bodies
Use synonyms
 to keep
the
Correct article usage
apply
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fat and/or not to burn it out,
for example
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, sitting at home,
moreover
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, screening for
long
Correct article usage
a long
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 time begets less
muscles
Check wording
muscle
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 movements,
as a result
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, the
muscles
Check wording
muscle
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 system will not function correctly.
Thirdly
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,
in-between
Correct word order
eating meals in between meals, also
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meals
Use synonyms
 eating
meals
Use synonyms
 as known as
snacks
Punctuation problem
snacks,
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 is
Linking Words
also
Rephrase
apply
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another factor for obesity. So,
while
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 you think
snack
Correct article usage
a snack
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 is
small
Correct article usage
a small
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 portion of
food
Use synonyms
, you forget that it is full of sugar, salt, or artificial ingredients
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 will harm your body too. To solve these problems, on the one hand, we need to control
the
Correct article usage
our
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 eating
habits
Use synonyms
, monitor what kind of
food
Use synonyms
 we eat,
Linking Words
in
Correct word choice
and, in
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 addition, change
daily
Correct determiner usage
our daily
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 routines. Healthy
food
Use synonyms
habits
Use synonyms
 is on the top of the list
ofcourse
Punctuation problem
, of course
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,
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
home made
Correct your spelling
home-made
meals
Use synonyms
 because it has natural and useful ingredients
instead
Linking Words
 of industrial components that were treated in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
ways to make more profits for the company itself
regardless
Punctuation problem
, regardless
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the
Change preposition
of the
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 users' general health. That doesn't mean snack is not allowed
in-between
Change preposition
in between
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 any two major
meals
Use synonyms
, where as, snack is more beneficial it its replaced with healthy raw
food
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as carrots.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, human
bodies
Use synonyms
 need to receive more
muscles activities
Check wording
muscle activity
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 in order to burn calories and unwanted fat,
also
Linking Words
 to increase
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
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 performance. In conclusion,
Our
Fix capitalization
our
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habits
Use synonyms
builds
Correct subject-verb agreement
build
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 up on the
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
 we have.
Manage
Wrong verb form
Managing
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 and
monitor
Wrong verb form
monitoring
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 the style will lead to
Use synonyms
habits
Check wording
habit
show examples
 correction,
al
Correct your spelling
and
 both combines together will bring us healthy
bodies
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You give reasons and solutions, but some ideas need more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each paragraph. One paragraph for reasons and one for solutions is good, but each point should be easy to follow.
task response
Add simple examples that are more direct. For example, say how school meals or daily walking can help children.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, next, also, and finally. Some linking now is not smooth.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order. Some sentences are long and hard to follow, so break them into two shorter ones.
task response
You answer the topic and talk about both reasons and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You use some examples such as fast food, snacks, and exercise.
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