IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is believed that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 have to invest
money
Use synonyms
 in public
services
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of in
arts
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as music and theatre. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, because public
services
Use synonyms
 supply
Use synonyms
citizens
Check wording
citizens'
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 needs
such
Linking Words
 as free healthcare and protection of the
country
Use synonyms
. To
being
Wrong verb form
begin
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 with,
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 allocate
money
Use synonyms
 to healthcare to maintain
Use synonyms
citizens
Check wording
citizens'
show examples
 health and provides workplaces that are open for professionals. Creating
environment
Correct article usage
an environment
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 for affordable medicine decrease financial burden for
citizens
Use synonyms
 and
workers wage
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workers' wages
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 are
highly-paid
Punctuation problem
highly paid,
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 which stimulates
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
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 perform
conscientious
Replace the word
conscientiously
.
Besides
Linking Words
 that, keeping
decent
Correct article usage
a decent
show examples
 health level of the workforce of the
country
Use synonyms
 positively affects
on
Change preposition
apply
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the economy, because less time and
efforts
Check wording
effort
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 will be spent on preparing new professionals.
For example
Linking Words
, in Korea
healthcare
Punctuation problem
, healthcare
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 is on cut-edge level and
citizens
Use synonyms
 can focus on their studies or work without
carrying
Verb problem
worrying
show examples
 about
money
Use synonyms
 of treatment,
therefore
Linking Words
 they show high work-performance.
Consequently
Linking Words
, allocating
money
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 public
services
Use synonyms
 increases
Use synonyms
citizens
Check wording
citizens'
show examples
 well-being and accelerates
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
productivity.
Besides
Linking Words
 that,
peacefulness
Correct article usage
the peacefulness
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 of the
country
Use synonyms
 is controlled by
military
Correct article usage
the military
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 and policemen’s. It
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not only
guarantee
Correct subject-verb agreement
guarantees
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 the protection of
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the country
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country
Check wording
country's
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 border, but
also
Linking Words
 controls the discipline inside it, making sure to
lead
Verb problem
enforce
show examples
 the law and keeping
number
Correct article usage
the number
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 of crimes low.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 fines and laws can not guarantee
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
discipline
and
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 investing on
arts
Use synonyms
 may rise level of self-control and morality among
citizens
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in places
were
Use the right word
where
show examples
 cultural education is well developed shows less chance to commit a crime.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is important
invest
Verb problem
to invest
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money
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public
services
Use synonyms
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
also
Linking Words
 investing
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
arts
Use synonyms
 may positively affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
citizens
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, authorities need to invest
money
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public
services
Use synonyms
 because it is more close to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
daily life and more relevant
due to
Linking Words
 urgence of it.
Instead
Linking Words
 of moving from
extreme
Correct determiner usage
one extreme
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 to another extreme government may offer discounts for entrepreneurs or corporations for investing in
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
,
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 it may attract tourists and increase
popularity
Correct article usage
the popularity
show examples
 of the
country
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from start to end. You mostly agree, but one body part says arts are also important, so your view feels a bit mixed.
coherence and cohesion
Add one clear idea for each body part and explain it step by step. Some lines are hard to follow because too many ideas are put together.
task response
Use examples that are more direct and easier to link to your point. The Korea example helps, but it needs a clearer link to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a simple and careful way. Words like 'to begin with', 'besides', 'however', and 'therefore' are good, but sometimes the meaning does not flow well.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one main point. The second body paragraph changes direction and weakens your answer.
task response
In the conclusion, repeat your answer in a direct way. Do not add too many new ideas there.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear side in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
You have a full essay shape with introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You use an example to support your point, which is good for task response.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are in a logical order: health first, then safety, then conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural enrichment
  • expression of creativity
  • promote diversity
  • enhance social cohesion
  • boost tourism
  • job creation
  • stimulate economic growth
  • improve quality of life
  • essential services
  • maintenance and development
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