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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that good teamwork is what makes companies successful . Others feel that it is more important to have a good leader . Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Nowadays, there are ongoing dabate on workplace,
while
Linking Words
 many
people
Use synonyms
 believe that communicating
in a
Change preposition
at
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 with
collegues
Correct your spelling
colleagues
 is beneficial, others think that managing by skillful leader is
one
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 of the most essential
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 to achieve
succes
Correct your spelling
success
. In my point of view, collaborating with
personnels
Check wording
personnel
show examples
 is
key
Correct article usage
a key
show examples
 factor to achieve goals. On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand, working with
leader
Correct article usage
a leader
show examples
 can be effective.
First,
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they have enough experience to manage workers and divide
tasks
Use synonyms
 properly. Having
one
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people
Use synonyms
 who always push them to
work
Use synonyms
 hard, leading to improvement in their
work
Use synonyms
. A clear example is when
people
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work
Use synonyms
 without
manager
Correct article usage
a manager
show examples
, they can argue and do not have
desire
Correct article usage
the desire
show examples
 to complete
tasks
Use synonyms
.
Second,
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in most
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations,
show examples
 leaders
responsible
Verb problem
are responsible
show examples
 for all
tasks
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,
beause
Correct your spelling
because
 workers just want
earn
Verb problem
to earn
show examples
 money and do not prioritize companies improvement.
As a result
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,
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
 can face
challanges
Correct your spelling
challenges
.
On the other hand
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, good teamwork is play vital role in
Use synonyms
work
Correct article usage
the work
show examples
 environment.
First,
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workers share ideas, correct mistakes
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is considered
one
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 of the necessary
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
 of the
achievment
Correct your spelling
achievement
, because
people
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 come from different
backgroud
Correct your spelling
backgrounds
 and they have different
prospectives
Correct your spelling
perspectives
.
Additionally
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, sharing ideas is
great
Correct article usage
a great
show examples
 way to broaden their horizon and
knowladge
Correct your spelling
knowledge
.
Futhermore
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Furthermore
, many individuals have busy
schedule
Check wording
schedules
show examples
 with their
tasks
Use synonyms
, exams and
work
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, leading to a lack of time to spend time with other
people
Use synonyms
. During their
work
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 hours, they spend
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
propotion
Correct your spelling
proportion
 of time with their
personnels
Check wording
personnel
show examples
 effectively. It helps them to enhance essential life skills
such
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 as problem-solving, making decision and communication
skill
Check wording
skills,
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 which are
seem
Wrong verb form
seen
show examples
 as
one
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 of the necessary
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 in today's digital era.
For example
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, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 spend their
times
Check wording
time
show examples
 on screens and their gadgetafter
work
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is unhealth their
overall
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 well-being. In conclusion, both having
leader
Correct article usage
a leader
show examples
 in
workspace
Correct article usage
the workspace
show examples
 and working in a team
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 important to
companies
Check wording
a company's
show examples
 achievement.
However
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, collaboration with
collegues
Correct your spelling
colleagues
 is
essential
Correct article usage
an essential
show examples
 skill, because exchanging ideas, asking
question
Check wording
questions
show examples
,
learning
Correct word choice
and learning
show examples
 new information is beneficial
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
not only
personal
Change preposition
for personal
show examples
 development but
also
Linking Words
 companies improvement.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. Give one full main idea for teamwork and one full main idea for leaders, then say your opinion again in the end.
task response
Make your opinion very clear from the start. Write it in a simple direct way.
task response
Use better examples. Your example about screens does not link well to company success.
task response
Explain each main point more. Do not only state ideas; show how and why they help a company succeed.
coherence and cohesion
Put one clear topic sentence at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Connect ideas in a simpler way. Use words like first, also, for example, as a result, and however correctly.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow. Keep sentences shorter and check word order.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph stays on one main idea. The part about exams and screen time goes away from the topic.
task response
You discussed both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used linking words like on the one hand, on the other hand, and in conclusion.
task response
You tried to support your ideas with reasons and an example.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Collaboration
  • Synergy
  • Cohesion
  • Interpersonal skills
  • Delegation
  • Autonomy
  • Innovation
  • Morale
  • Strategic planning
  • Charisma
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