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Writing Samples
Band 5

Crime appears to be rising in most countries in the world, especially among young people. Identify the possible causes of this trend, and propose some solutions you think would be effective.

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It has been observed that crime rates among youngsters have been rapidly increasing around the world. The causes of
this
Linking Words
 situation seem to be focused on the carelessness of
government
Use synonyms
 officials and the general public
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 a number of solutions
also
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 appear to be possible. Perhaps the major factor behind the rise of crimes
such
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 as drug-dealing and cybercrime is the negligence and
oftentimes
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, oftentimes
show examples
support
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, support
show examples
 by the
government
Use synonyms
 itself.
Such
Linking Words
 criminals have become harder to track down
due to
Linking Words
 the backing they receive from powerful individuals. The origin of online crimes has
also
Linking Words
 been associated with the public being less aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 technology in general.
For instance
Linking Words
, cybercrimes
such
Linking Words
 as phishing, identity theft and
Use synonyms
cyber bullying
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
 are
prevailing
Correct word choice
prevalent
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 the netizens not being aware of these awful acts even existing and,
as a result
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,
such
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 individuals tend to be easy targets for the offenders.
Hence
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, it is mainly the lack of awareness and strictness that contribute to the increment of
such
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 offenses. Turning to possible solutions, an obvious step would be to increase the efficiency of existing
security
Use synonyms
 systems.
Although
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 the
security
Use synonyms
 budgets are under pressure these days, if the
government
Use synonyms
 took
this
Linking Words
 step, it would greatly reduce the
amounts
Check wording
amount
show examples
 of misdeeds being conducted. A second remedy might be to provide better training to the
cyber
Use synonyms
 police in terms of tracking down
cyber
Use synonyms
 criminals. An example can be seen in nations with highly efficient
security
Use synonyms
 systems and IT sectors
as
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, as
show examples
 they experience
lesser
Correct word choice
a lower
show examples
 number of
such
Linking Words
 evil practices.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the best way to solve
such
Linking Words
 matters would be to increase the budget of
Use synonyms
security
Correct article usage
the security
show examples
 and
cyber
Use synonyms
offense
Change the spelling
offence
show examples
 departments. In conclusion, the factors of carelessness and corruption appear to be the main causes.
Better trained
Correct your spelling
Better-trained
government
Use synonyms
officials
Punctuation problem
officials,
show examples
 driven by improved funding to these
sectors
Punctuation problem
sectors,
show examples
 may well lessen the severity of the situation.

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task response
Task response: You answer both parts of the task, but your causes are a bit narrow. Add one or two more clear causes about young people, such as family problems, lack of jobs, or bad friends.
task response
Task response: Some ideas are clear, but a few claims are too strong, like saying the government supports crime. Use safer and more exact language.
task response
Task response: Your examples are helpful, but they are general. Give one more specific example to make your point stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your essay has a clear 4-part structure with an opening, body paragraphs, and a closing paragraph. This is good.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Most linking words work well, but do not use too many formal phrases in one essay. Keep the flow natural and direct.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Some sentences are long and heavy. Split long ideas into shorter sentences so the reader can follow you more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: In paragraph 2, connect the idea of young crime more directly to the main question. At times, the focus moves more to cybercrime in general than to young people.
task response
Task response: You clearly discuss both causes and solutions, so you cover the full task.
task response
Task response: Your main ideas are easy to find, especially government carelessness, lack of public knowledge, and better security training.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Each paragraph has a clear purpose, which helps the reader follow your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your introduction and conclusion are both present and they match the main idea of the essay.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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