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Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays parents put too much pressure on their children to succeed. What is the reason for doing this? Enhance future lifestyle is this a negative or positive development?

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Nowadays, many
parents
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 put a great deal of
pressure
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 on their
children
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 to succeed in life.
This
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 essay will discuss the reasons for
this
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 trend and explain why I believe it is a positive development.
To begin
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 with, there are many reasons for concerned
parents
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 to help their
children
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 succeed.
Firstly
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, one reason why
parents
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 put
pressure
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 on their
children
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 is that they want them to have a secure
future
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. In today comptitive, people need good qualificationsand skillsto find well-paid jobs.
In addition
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, their concerns may be beneficial in helping
children
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 achieve their goals.
For example
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, most students, when they graduate, thank their
parents
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 because help and supported them to reach their dreams. In terms of the positives,
pressure
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 on their
children
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 helps secure their
future
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. It is
also
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 possible to say that academic
pressure
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 helps in achieving dreams by having jobs.
Moreover
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, Independent of themselves and can succeed in starting a family in the
future
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.
For instance
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, many successful doctors, engineers, and teachers often say that their
parents
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 encouraged them to work hard at school. In conclusion,
parents
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 often put
pressure
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 on their
children
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 because they want them to have a successful and secure
future
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.
Although
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 excessive
pressure
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 can sometimes be harmful, I believe that responsible
pressure
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 is a positive development because it
and
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apply
show examples
motivates
children
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 to achieve their goals and become independent adults.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Say clearly why parents do this, and why it is positive or negative.
task response
Your main idea is clear, but some points are too short. Add one more sentence to explain each main point.
task response
Use examples that are more clear and more real. This will make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is weak or not natural. Use simple links like first, also, for example, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word form problems. Keep sentence structure simple and clear.
task response
You answer the topic and give your opinion clearly.
task response
You include both reasons and your view about positive development.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas are in a logical order.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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