IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Young people today spend too much money and time following fashion trends (clothing, tech) .To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is widely acknowledged that a significant increase in spending
money
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 and time to stay updated has become popular among juveniles.
While
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 they spend
extravagantly
Correct word choice
a lot of
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money
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 on brand-new
clothes
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 and the latest technology, I firmly agree that since they want to become popular among their friends and keep up with the latest technology, they spend a large amount of
money
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 on
clothes
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 and gadgets.
This
Linking Words
 essay will elaborate on my position with relevant arguments and examples. The foremost reason to support my view is that being popular plays a crucial role in influencing young
people
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's shopping behaviour. As
people
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 show off their new
clothes
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 and recent fashion trends on their social media accounts, they
gain
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 an extremely high number of likes from their followers
that
Correct pronoun usage
, which
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 genuinely excites adolescents and influences their behaviour, leading them to buy unnecessary
clothes
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 to
gain
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 popularity.
For instance
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, with the rapidly increasing number of accounts on TikTok, young
people
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 feel pressured to create new content in which they show off their recent purchases to draw attention and
gain
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 followers.
Therefore
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, they have to invest considerable effort and spend excessive amounts of
money
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 to
gain
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 popularity.
Furthermore
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, another reason to justify my stance is that technological advances
such
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 as AI have become a widespread tool that
enable
Correct subject-verb agreement
enables
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people
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 to assist in completing daily tasks. As
techonlogy
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technology
 companies try to develop more technology-integrated solutions for our lives, they show off their state-of-the-art technologies
everyday
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every day
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.
As a result
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, young
people
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 use AI tools in their lives to support their academic research or to entertain themselves by using these new
tecnologies
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technologies
,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 are forced by tech to purchase more tools to stay updated. To illustrate, companies
such
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 as Apple and Samsung, they hold events where they
depicts
Correct subject-verb agreement
depict
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 some
prestations
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presentations
 about their new advancements.
Therefore
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,
people
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 think that they have to follow these new updates and spend an excessive amount of
money
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. In conclusion,
while
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 some
people
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 believe that spending on brand-new
clothes
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 and updated technology is a vital necessity, I firmly maintain that
this
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 excessive spending is unnecessary — young
people
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 are simply driven by the desire for popularity and pressured by tech companies to stay updated.

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task response
Answer the question more directly in each body part. Say clearly why you agree, and keep this focus from start to end.
task response
Add one short idea about the other side, then explain why you still agree. This can make your answer feel more full.
task response
Use examples that feel more real and exact. Your TikTok example is good, but the tech example needs clearer detail.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are long and repeat. Make one main point in each part, then explain it in a simple way.
coherence and cohesion
Link words are used well, but sometimes too much. Use fewer long phrases and make the meaning more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order in the tech body part. A few lines are hard to follow, so the reader may lose the main point.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and keep the same side in the conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
task response
You use examples about social media and big tech names, which helps support your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-expression
  • peer pressure
  • social media influence
  • financial stability
  • fast fashion
  • consumerism
  • social validation
  • fear of missing out (FOMO)
  • cultural shifts
  • marketing strategies
  • environmental sustainability
  • thrift shopping
  • do-it-yourself (DIY)
  • economic impact
  • sustainable practices
  • upcycling
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