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Band 4.5

It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?

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It is often argued that it is necessary for
children
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 to get knowledge about
differenciating
Correct your spelling
differentiating
 right and wrong.In most
societies
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societies,
show examples
 it is
also
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 a social norm to punish them in order to teach them
lesson
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a lesson
show examples
 for not complying
during
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with
show examples
this
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 method of upbringing by educators and parents. I somewhat agree with it. In many cultures,
Use synonyms
children
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children,
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 especially
teenagers
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teenagers,
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 face different sorts of punishment in
pursuite
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pursuit
 of beneficial education.I have personally observed
this
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 system
to
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apply
show examples
work.These
physically
Replace the word
physical
 and
mentally
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mental
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 correcting methods have been used for a number of centuries.
For instance
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,in
Pakistan
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Pakistan,
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 students are forced to stand in a certain exhausting position
for fighting
Wrong verb form
to fight
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 in
classroom
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the classroom
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 or
bullying
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bully
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 other students.These
kind
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kinds
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 of teenagers are
also
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 beaten up by teachers with a wooden stick.
As a
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result
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result,
show examples
 their
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
 improves
and
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, and
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 they become
well mannered
Correct your spelling
well-mannered
.Another example is grounding them as a punishment for their ill
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
.
This
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 has
also
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 given us evidence of making hard choices to correct them. But in some
countries
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countries,
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 kids are often beaten up or punished to an extent that they often become desensitized and it becomes just a routine for them.
Then
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at
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, at
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 a certain
point
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point,
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 they become careless
and
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, and
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 these troubles don't even bother them a little.
As a
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result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 they become mentally ready to face any punishment or torture for crimes they commit in their adulthood.Parents and teachers
also
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 lose respect in the eyes of these
children
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. In conclusion, punishments and other methods of
collections
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collection
show examples
 should be used in a controlled and mannered way.
For example
Linking Words
,restricting them
of
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from
show examples
 their sources of entertainment(mobiles,laptops,etc),not letting them
to
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apply
show examples
indulge with their friends who teach them these wrong things and most importantly
to
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, to
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 sit down with them and have
discussion
Correct article usage
a discussion
show examples
 about their thought process after they misbehave. But, physical abuse should be strictly prohibited for
children
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 of all ages to make their upcoming days less terrible.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. Say your view in a direct way and keep it the same all through the essay.
task response
Explain your main ideas more. Some points are good, but they need fuller support.
task response
Be careful with the part about punishment. You first seem to support it, but later you say physical abuse should not be used. Make this line clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea for each body part and connect it well to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
Some examples help, but a few feel too strong or not fully explained. Use clear and fitting examples.
coherence and cohesion
Check linking words and sentence order. A few parts are hard to follow.
task response
You answered the full question and talked about both parents and teachers.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end.
task response
You used examples from real life, which helps support your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • punishment
  • positive reinforcement
  • consequences
  • time-outs
  • removal of privileges
  • open communication
  • clear expectations
  • consistency
  • fairness
  • disciplinary action
  • proportionate
  • moral values
  • internalization
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