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Writing Samples
Band 6

Health services are the basic necessity for a person. Private companies have made the health services quite costly for ordinary individuals. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh its disadvantages?

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In
this
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 modern era, it is undeniable that with the help of good
health
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services
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,
people
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 are living longer lives than before.
Although
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due to
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 the increasing
cost
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 of
health
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services
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 by private firms, poor
people
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 lack access to care
and
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, and
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 the inflation rate is getting higher,
while
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 there is advancement of
technology
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 and the number of staff for each patient is increased. I think
,
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apply
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 there are more advantages of
this
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 notion than its disadvantages. On the one hand,
due to
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 the higher prices of
health
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services
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, poor
people
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 are lacking from
this
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services
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. To illustrate, poor
people
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 mostly don’t have enough
money
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 to go to expensive
hospitals
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, and when they get injured or sick, they are mostly scared to spend a lot of
money
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 in these
hospitals
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.
For instance
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, as per recent reports by the World
Health
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 Organisation, 80% of poor
people
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 are dying
due to
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 less
money
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 or they come under debt after going to expensive
hospitals
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 for a cure.
Furthermore
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, to cover the
cost
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 of these expensive
hospitals
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, other businessmen
also
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 raised the
money
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 to recover that
cost
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by
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,
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 which caused the inflation rate to increase.
On the other hand
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, there is a lot of development in
technology
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 because
hospitals
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 are making good
money
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 from
patients
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, and they invest that
money
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 to develop more
technology
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 for the welfare of their
patients
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.
For example
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, Fortis hospital in India is a fully developed hospital with high-tech
technology
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 , and
that is
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 the only hospital in India which can
also
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 cure cancer diseasesalso with the help of
technology
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.
Additionally
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, when
hospitals
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 charge more
money
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 from their
patients
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, they
also
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 provide good
services
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 to them ,
such
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 as providing more staff to their
patients
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 and taking care of them 24 hours a day. In conclusion,
by
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apply
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charging high
cost
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 of
health
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services
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 by private companies makes life hard for poor families and increases the inflation rate ,
whereas
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 introducing more
technology
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 for
patients
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 and providing more staff to their
patients
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 for better care.
Therefore
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, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

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coherence cohesion
Make your main idea more clear in each body part. Start each part with one simple point, then explain it.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words in a more careful way. Some are good, but too many long lines make your meaning less clear.
task achievement
Keep your opinion clear from start to end. You say the good side is stronger, so make this view very direct in each part.
task achievement
Explain ideas more fully. Some points are good, but they need one more step: why and how this happens.
task achievement
Be careful with examples. Use examples that sound real and easy to trust, and connect them clearly to your main point.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
You use some linking words like on the one hand, furthermore, and in conclusion.
task achievement
You answer the question and give a clear opinion.
task achievement
You include examples to support your ideas.
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