IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

“Because of the busy pace of modern life, many children spend most of their time indoors and have little exposure to the natural world.” Discuss the effects lack of experience with and understanding of nature can have on children as they grow up. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Children
Use synonyms
 are the future of any nation. In
this
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 modern era, advanced technology distracts youngsters from exploring
nature
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.Many
children
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 invest their precious
time
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 in devices, which affects their mental and physical health. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss both perspectives and present a conclusion.
To begin
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 with, the new generation spends most of their free
time
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 on digital devices by playing online games, scrolling reels and videos. The excessive use of technology can harm
children
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's well-being. It makes them sit in one place for a long
time
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, because of
this
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 physical activity is zero.
As a result
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, the rate of obesity is rapidly increasing in young people. Obesity may cause lots of diseases, like diabetes, high blood pressure and anxiety.
For example
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, many doctors believe that excessive use of mobile cause weak vision and a lack of concentration .
Moreover
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,
children
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 who rarely spend their
time
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 in a natural environment have weak immunity because they are less physically active and have limited exposure to fresh air and sunlight. Alternatively,
children
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 who are exposed to
nature
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 are generally calmer and mentally
as well as
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 physically stronger.
For instance
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, doctor Stiven says in his thesis that those
children
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 who spend their valuable
time
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 playing outdoor activities and feel close to
nature
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 are stronger, the movement of the body is robust , and the system.
To conclude
Linking Words
, an excess of anything is harmful. Advanced technology has significant advantages, but unlimited use of devices can have negative effects on young people. It may create a lot of health problems.
Nature
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 is beautiful, so it is important for mankind to take exposure to it and get the breath of fresh air to stay active and healthy , as they are responsible for a strong future.

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task response
Answer the full question more directly. Talk more about what happens when children do not know nature as they grow older.
task response
Use clear main ideas in each body paragraph and explain each idea more fully.
task response
Give more real and clear examples. Some examples now are too general or not fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start and end, which is good, but the second paragraph says 'both perspectives' even though the task asks for effects, not two sides.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some sentences jump too fast from one point to another.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar so your ideas are easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
task response
You stay on the general topic of children, technology, and nature.
task response
You include health effects, which are relevant to the question.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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