IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

(2024) Some people think that family has the most important influence on children’s development, while others believe that factors such as TV, friends, music and books have a more significant impact. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
It is considered by some people
,
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 family plays a significant role in the growth of
children
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
,
others
Use synonyms
 reckon that television, peers,
music
Use synonyms
 and
books
Use synonyms
 have
considerable
Correct article usage
a considerable
show examples
 effect on their development.
This
Linking Words
 essay
agress
Correct your spelling
argues
 that family has
vital
Correct article usage
a vital
show examples
influence
Use synonyms
 on their behaviour and personality, but other
factors
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 impact them in
direct
Correct article usage
a direct
show examples
 or indirect way. Family has invitable impression on
children
Use synonyms
 as they spend
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
time
Use synonyms
 with
parents
Use synonyms
. Kids spend their early life with
parents
Use synonyms
, which is
crucial
Correct article usage
a crucial
show examples
 stage of their age to learn anything . They get information about moral values and discipline from their guardian to be a
civilized
Change the spelling
civilised
show examples
 person in society. As described in an article
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 India, indian
children
Use synonyms
 usually spend most of the
time
Use synonyms
 with
parents
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they become good
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 of
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
 by getting knowledge about their culture and society.
Hence
Linking Words
,
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
 has
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 imperative
influence
Use synonyms
 on the lives of
children
Use synonyms
 in
direct
Correct article usage
a direct
show examples
 way. Watching
Televsion
Correct your spelling
television
, spending
time
Use synonyms
 with companions, listening
Use synonyms
music
Change preposition
to music
show examples
 and reading
books
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 has impact on the daily life of
children
Use synonyms
. They grasp good and bad things from
televsion
Correct your spelling
television
 because some serials and movies promote violence,
whereas
Linking Words
 sometimes
content
Correct article usage
the content
show examples
 in
books
Use synonyms
 is not appropriate according
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 age of
children
Use synonyms
, it may
influence
Use synonyms
adversly
Correct your spelling
adversely
.
Music
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 promotes
uncivilized
Change the spelling
uncivilised
show examples
 content in society as
Use synonyms
others
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
factors
Use synonyms
 on
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 development.
For instance
Linking Words
, a survey conducted in Canada
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 reveals that
children
Use synonyms
 who
passed
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 their
time
Use synonyms
 with
parents
Use synonyms
 become more socialised, disciplined persons rather than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 usually indulge
with
Change preposition
in other
show examples
others
Use synonyms
factors
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
Tellevision
Correct your spelling
television
,
music
Use synonyms
 , peers and
books
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, spending
time
Use synonyms
 with
Use synonyms
others
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
factors
Use synonyms
 can be
deterimental
Correct your spelling
detrimental
 for the growth of
offsprings
Check wording
offspring
show examples
. In conclusion, families can make
children
Use synonyms
 ideal citizens of
nation
Correct article usage
a nation
show examples
 certainly by shaping their personalities with good
ettiqutes
Correct your spelling
etiquette
 and discipline
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, other
factors
Use synonyms
 have
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
influence
Use synonyms
 on offspring's growth since these may not be
according to
Linking Words
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 age and which might negatively
effect
Use the right word
affect
show examples
 them.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both sides more fully. You gave your view, but the other side needs more fair detail.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in all body parts, not only in the first part and end.
task response
Use examples with clear detail. Your examples are linked, but they are not well explained.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each body part, then add a reason and example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a careful way. Some are good, but some lines feel hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check word order and sentence form, because some parts stop the flow of ideas.
task response
You answered both views and gave your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending.
task response
You tried to use examples to support your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: