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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people think that obesity is the biggest health threat facing people today. Others believe that smoking, drugs, and alcohol are more dangerous. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In modern society, whilst opponents discern that obesity has become a threat
for
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all over the world, proponents hold a different view that smoking, drug addiction, and excessive
drinking alcohol
Correct word order
alcohol drinking
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 are more dangerous for both individuals and the community as a whole. I am a staunch believer that cigarettes, tobacco and alcohol are the most danger element for society, especially among teenagers. On the one hand, with the accessibility and availability of street meals, numerous people tend to eat junk food because of
the
Correct article usage
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long working hours.
In other words
Linking Words
, a plethora of people prefer to eat at work and
also
Linking Words
 buy street-prepared meals because they are cheap and delicious.
However
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 sedentary lifestyles with the increase in desk jobs and the lack of exercise,
that
Correct pronoun usage
this
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 will definitely lead to health problems
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes, cardiovascular diseases, and hypertension.
Thus
Linking Words
, overeating is a considerable concern for developed and developing countries.
Additionally
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,
with
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marketing campaigns can be used to eliminate the spread of death and improve the quality of life for individuals and society.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, numerous youngsters are addicted to tobacco, substance abuse, and drinking alcohol. To illustrate, when teenagers are invited to concerts or events, they imitate modern lifestyles that will definitely affect
the youth’s
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 mental health and productivity level.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the percentage of deaths will increase
due to
Linking Words
 the rising number of road accidents and illnesses related to cognitive function.
Hence
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, what can be said is that drug addiction and nicotine are undoubtedly more dangerous for the community. In conclusion, after highlighting the above–mentioned points, it can be reiterated that obesity is considered a second reason for death after addiction. I am of the belief that drug abuse poses a
threat
Correct word choice
greater threat
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 than gaining weight for individuals and the community.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about both, but the first side is less developed than the second side.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in all parts of the essay, not only in the first and last lines.
task response
Use more clear examples. Some ideas are general and need one real or simple example.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one main idea. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a more natural way. Some linking words are used, but a few sentences do not connect well.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because some lines are hard to understand and this hurts flow.
task response
You answer both views and you give your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing and some linking words like On the one hand, On the other hand, and In conclusion.
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