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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Multicultural societies in which there are a mixture of ethnic people bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of ethnic residents, bring more benefits than disadvantages to a country. I partly agree with the view because
people
Use synonyms
 of different ethnicities, who might be immigrants, could bring different
cultures
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 to society, yet those
differences
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 could
also
Linking Words
 lead to conflict. First of all, a mixture of ethnic
people
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 brings a country more opportunities to experience
differences
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,
such
Linking Words
 as foreign foods and festivals. Obviously, for immigrants, the easiest way to start a new life in a new place is to do what they used to. Normally, the new business is often related to their culture.
Therefore
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, they would bring their culture into where they lived as well.
For example
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, in Tokyo,
Japan
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, there are a lot of
Indian
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 immigrants now. At
first,
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they were working in
Japan
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 just as employees, but with the population growth,
people
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 tried to become owners
instead
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 of staff.
Thus
Linking Words
, the easiest way was to open an
indian
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 curry restaurant. These restaurants not only fulfil
Indian
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 residents' appetites but
also
Linking Words
 bring different food
cultures
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 into
Japan
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.
Moreover
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, the residents in
Japan
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 can enjoy different
cultures
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.
However
Linking Words
, cultural
differences
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 still remain.
For instance
Linking Words
, in India,
people
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 usually eat with their hands,
while
Linking Words
 in
Japan
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,
people
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 commonly use chopsticks. Those who are unfamiliar with
Indian
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 traditions may question the hygiene of eating by hand.
This
Linking Words
 shows that even when
cultures
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 become more connected,
people
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 may still misunderstand or judge customs that are different from their own. In conclusion, I think the countries with multiculturalism could always bring something interesting,
such
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 as food.
Nevertheless
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, it might
also
Linking Words
 come with conflicts and fights.
Therefore
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,
people
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 should respect others'
cultures
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 and adjust their mentality to accept
differences
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.

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task response
For task response, make your main view more clear from the start. You say you partly agree, but the balance between good and bad sides could be more exact.
task response
For task response, add one more strong idea about benefits or drawbacks. This will make your answer feel more full and more direct to the question.
task response
For task response, your example about Indian food in Japan is good, but the essay needs a more direct link to why this helps the whole country, not only daily life.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good. Still, the second body paragraph is quite short, so the essay feels a little uneven.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, use linking words with more care. Some parts, like 'Obviously' and 'Normally', do not add much and can sound weak.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, develop the conflict idea more. Now it comes fast and ends fast, so the reader may want one more step of explanation or an example.
task response
For task response, you answer the question and give a clear opinion: you partly agree.
task response
For task response, you use a real and relevant example about Indian restaurants in Japan.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your ideas are easy to follow in general.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your introduction and conclusion are both present and clear.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • culture
  • people
  • country
  • benefit
  • drawback
  • mix
  • work
  • job
  • skill
  • money
  • grow
  • trade
  • business
  • idea
  • food
  • music
  • art
  • language
  • education
  • law
  • policy
  • tolerance
  • discrimination
  • integration
  • cooperation
  • change
  • peace
  • safe
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