IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Many elderly
people
Use synonyms
 in Britain tend to live in
old age
Correct your spelling
old-age
 homes when they grow old. Some
people
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 argue that the
government
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 has to pay for their needs,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that it is the responsibility of their families. In my opinion, families should bear the
expenses
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 because it is their duty to look after their elderly
parents
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.
To begin
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 with,
parents
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 are
the responsibility of
Replace the word
responsible for
 their children because they worked hard throughout their lives to take care of the needs of their children.
Therefore
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, it is the duty of every family to bear the
expenses
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 of their old
parents
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 when they decide to live in the old age homes. In
this
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 way, a child can pay back
to
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apply
show examples
their mother and father for all the efforts they have
done
Verb problem
made
show examples
 for them throughout their lives.
For example
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, many young
people
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 feel proud to spend on their
parents
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 when they are old and cannot pay for their own
expenses
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.
Secondly
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, if the
government
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 starts paying for the elderly
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apply
show examples
people
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, many individuals may get dependent on the
government
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 for their
expenses
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.
Moreover
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, some young individuals may deliberately want their old
parents
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 to go to old age homes so that they do not have to look after or spend money on them.
For instance
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, in many countries, young individuals want freedom,
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thus
Correct word choice
so
show examples
 they force their
parents
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 to live in a home with other old
people
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.
To sum up
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, I believe the
government
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 should not pay for the care of elderly
people
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,
Punctuation problem
;
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rather
Punctuation problem
rather,
show examples
 it should
solely
Rephrase
apply
show examples
be the responsibility of their families to bear their
expenses
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.
This
Linking Words
 will ensure that they do not get dependent on the
government
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 and become more responsible.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You say family should pay, but you should also show more about when the state may help.
task response
Give more clear and real examples. Your examples are general, so they do not add strong support.
task response
Develop each main idea a bit more. Add one more reason or result in each body part.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Some links are good, but a few ideas could connect more smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea with similar words. This will make your writing tighter and clearer.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep it through the essay.
task response
You answer the main question and stay on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because each paragraph has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
You include both an introduction and a conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aging population
  • Elderly care
  • Nursing homes
  • Social welfare
  • Intergenerational responsibility
  • Caregiving
  • Financial burden
  • Quality of life
  • Pension funds
  • Healthcare policy
  • Taxation
  • Subsidies
  • Private insurance
  • Long-term care
  • Sustainability
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