The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent years, an increasing number of
individuals
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have become interested in using handheld
devices
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for entertainment. I strongly agree that
this
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trend is harmful to both
individuals
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and society
due to
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its negative effects on social interaction and public safety. One contributing factor is that the easy accessibility of entertainment on handheld
devices
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encourages excessive screen time among young people.
This
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is because video games and social media applications are available at any time and can easily capture users' attention for long periods.
For example
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, it is increasingly common to see children using mobile phones
while
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spending time with their parents in public places rather than interacting with the people around them.
As a result
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, many youngsters may gradually develop poor social skills and become less comfortable with face-to-face communication. Another important factor is that the use of handheld
devices
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in public places can create serious safety concerns.
This
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is because many
individuals
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become distracted by their
devices
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and fail to pay attention to their surroundings.
For instance
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, news reports frequently highlight accidents involving pedestrians who were looking at their phones
while
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crossing roads or walking near railway tracks.
Consequently
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, the excessive use of handheld
devices
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can increase the likelihood of accidents and pose risks to both users and the wider public. In conclusion, I firmly believe that the availability of entertainment on handheld
devices
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is harmful to
individuals
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and society as a whole, as it can reduce social interaction and increase public safety risks.

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task response
Add one more clear idea about harm to society, not only to people. This would make your answer more full.
task response
Explain your examples a bit more. Show more clearly how phone use leads to long term social problems.
coherence and cohesion
Use a short linking line between body paragraphs so the essay flows even better.
task response
In paragraph 1, you can make your position even more direct by saying you fully agree and why in one short line.
coherence and cohesion
Some points are clear, but they could be developed with one more sentence each.
task response
Your answer gives a clear opinion from the start and keeps it to the end.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear structure: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Main ideas are easy to follow and each paragraph stays on one topic.
task response
Examples about children in public places and road accidents are relevant and easy to understand.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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