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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that children at school should study the science of food and how to prepare it. Others think that school time should be spent on learning important subjects. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Many
people
Use synonyms
 argued that
school
Check wording
schools
show examples
 should be teaching how to
preparing
Wrong verb form
prepare
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 arts.
While
Linking Words
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe that children should be spending their time on significant
unit
Check wording
activities
show examples
.
Although
Linking Words
 both
persepctives
Correct your spelling
perspectives
 have their
won
Correct word choice
own
show examples
 merits. I believe that student should be
focu
Correct your spelling
focused
 on an important
subject
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their class when they are attending.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both views before explaining why I
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
agree with main unit is more beneficial.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, many
people
Use synonyms
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that
food
Use synonyms
 science should be
taugth
Correct your spelling
taught
 by a professor because child they must learn how to prepared on basicly.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because, before starting to learn anything student should known basic of art and how to do it on next stage. Which can
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
lead to their
subject
Use synonyms
 once they need to do on practical class. In others word, they know how to start with the end
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
result.
For example
Linking Words
,
food
Use synonyms
 design on the plates for
atraction
Correct your spelling
attraction
 to consumers.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
support
Replace the word
supporters
 of
this
Linking Words
 view
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that
art
Correct article usage
the art
show examples
 of
food
Use synonyms
 can impress
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 when they
seen
Wrong verb form
see
show examples
 the end.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 argue that on the schoool time
trhey shouyld be
Correct your spelling
they should
 focus on cruical
subject
Use synonyms
 since
when
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they
attending
Verb problem
are attending
show examples
 on the calss.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the
prvous arguement
Correct your spelling
previous argument
 may be valid to
soem
Correct your spelling
some
 extent. I believe that
because
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
learning in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
class and studying
main
Correct article usage
the main
show examples
subject
Use synonyms
 are more indivdually benefit.
Moreover
Linking Words
, an important
subject
Use synonyms
 is always vital
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their own career
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
palt
Correct your spelling
plays
 a significant
in
Check wording
role in
show examples
future
Correct determiner usage
their future
show examples
 career. A clear example of
this
Linking Words
cen
Correct your spelling
can
 be seen in their
ocupation
Correct your spelling
occupation
 list.
Thus
Linking Words
, I believe that my point
support
Correct subject-verb agreement
supports
show examples
 are more
benficial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 supported the idea that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 science other believe that mainly
unit
Fix the agreement mistake
units
show examples
 are more crucial. Personally, I believe that
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
important subjects are
benefit
Replace the word
beneficial
 and may support their
careee
Use the right word
career
show examples
 in the future in
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the long run.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. Give one full idea for each side, then give your opinion in a clear way.
task response
Explain your main ideas more. Some points are too general, so the reader cannot fully see your meaning.
task response
Use a more clear example. Your example about food design is not close enough to the main question about school subjects.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph have one main point. This will help your essay feel easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a correct way. Some linkers are used, but many sentences still feel broken or hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar because unclear sentences make your ideas hard to connect.
task response
You answered both views and you gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You tried to use linking words like while, although, moreover, and therefore.
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