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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some employers think that it is important to provide their employees with physical fitness facilities such as gym memberships, while others consider it a waste of resources. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some
companies
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 provide
employees
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 with physical
fitness
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facilities
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, as employers emphasise their
employees
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'
health
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, whilst other
companies
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 hold a reverse viewpoint. From my perspective, I am inclined to stand with the proponents who support
employees
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'
health
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.
This
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 essay will explore the opinions of both sides before exlaining own points of view.
Initially
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, one of the main arguments for the rejection of offering
fitness
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facilities
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 to
employees
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 is that it is an additional cost for employers. These kinds of
companies
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 tend to make
employees
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 focus on their work and consider the resources,
such
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 as gym memberships, to be a type of waste. The cost can be spent on updating the equipment and the systems, aiming to produce more products.
Therefore
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, the
facilities
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 for
employees
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'
health
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 are not necessary. At the other end of the spectrum,
employees
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'
health
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 is an indispensable element for effective work performance, which is a key point that some
companies
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 are willing to invest in. Nowadays,
fitness
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facilities
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 have become standard
facilities
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 in global
companies
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,
such
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 as Google and Apple. It has turned into common sense that effectiveness and efficiency at work rely significantly on both mental and physical
health
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.
Thus
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, employers need to pay attention to maintaining
employees
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'
health
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, which not only supports a healthy and friendly environment but
also
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 leads to consistency in the company's productivity when
employees
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 are equipped with stable body conditions. In conclusion, despite sompanies have their own consideration in saving costs, the importance of supporting
employees
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'
health
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 cannot be ignored.
According to
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 the aforementioned, the merits of providing
fitness
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facilities
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 to
employees
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 outweighs its demerits.
Hence
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, I support the opinion that
companies
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 should be equipped with
fitness
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facilities
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.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. Your second side is stronger than your first side.
task response
Explain your own view more clearly in the body, not only in the start and end.
task response
Give one more clear and real example for the side you support.
task response
Some ideas are good, but a few parts are too general. Add a short reason after each main point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. A few are not natural, like 'At the other end of the spectrum'.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences shorter. This will help your ideas sound clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph flow. In the first body paragraph, the idea about more products could connect more clearly to the main point about cost.
task response
You answered the question and gave your own opinion.
task response
You discussed both views, not only one side.
task response
The example of big companies like Google and Apple helps your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow most of the time.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • employers
  • employees
  • physical fitness
  • facilities
  • gym memberships
  • important
  • waste
  • resources
  • productive
  • boost
  • energy
  • levels
  • focus
  • creativity
  • performance
  • reduce
  • sick days
  • ill
  • money
  • long run
  • foster
  • teamwork
  • morale
  • bonds
  • collaboration
  • waste of money
  • manage
  • health
  • hours
  • spending
  • equipment
  • resources
  • goals
  • interested
  • work-life balance
  • support
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