Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museums is to educate. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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People
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have different views regarding whether
museums
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should be
entertainment
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an entertainment
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place
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,
while
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others believe that education is the main
pupose
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purpose
of
musems
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museums
.
Although
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both views have their own merit, I believe that
museums
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should
firstly
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be
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place
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a place
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for leisure.
This
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essay will
duscuss
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discuss
both views before explaining why it is more about entertainment and
landmark
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a landmark
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for tourists rather than aiming for education and
history
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. On the one hand, many individuals believe that places like
museums
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are
targeting
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focused
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on
history
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and
learining
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learning
new things about the
place
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or country you visit.
This
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is mainly because of educational
purpose
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purposes
show examples
, to show how they affected
on
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apply
show examples
local
history
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.
For example
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, "National
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museum
Capitalize the proper name
Museum
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of Kazakhstan", there are lots of
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history
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historical
items
storing
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stored
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there,
such
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as
Golden
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the Golden
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Man.
Consiquently
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Consequently
, supporters of
this
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view argue that the main goal of every
museum
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is to explain
history
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by demonstrating items.
On the other hand
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, others argue that
museums
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should mainly aim for
entertainmen
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entertainment
, since it is a business that has to
aiming
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aim
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for most quantity of
people
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, and having attention from everyone.
Although
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the previous argument may be valid to some extent, I believe that nowadays the main goal for most of the places, especially
museums
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, is attention.
Moreover
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, not everyone is interested in learning deeply
inside
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apply
show examples
.
For example
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, the most popular
museum
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in Europe, "Luvr". Obviously,
the
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a
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significant part of the
people
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there visiting it
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visiting it are there
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only because it is the most popular landmark in France.
As a
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result
Add a comma
result,
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I think that
museums
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should aim for every person and to be more interesting and catching lots of attention for everyone. In conclusion,
while
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some individuals support the idea that
museums
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should be
only
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the only
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place
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for
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history
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historical
explanation, others think that
attraction of
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attracting
people
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is more important. From my perspective, places like
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museum
Check wording
museums
show examples
should be more interesting rather
historical
Correct word choice
than historical
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and meaningful.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. Your view is clear, but the first side needs a bit more detail.
task response
Give clearer reasons for why museums should be for fun. Some ideas are there, but they are not fully explained.
task response
Use examples more carefully. Your examples are relevant, but explain how they support your point.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this structure.
coherence cohesion
Some linking is good, but a few ideas jump too fast. Add short clear steps between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of word choice or grammar. Use shorter and simpler sentences.
task response
You discuss both views and give your opinion clearly.
task response
You use real examples like the museum in Kazakhstan and the Louvre.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
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