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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health problem. Give the reasons responsible for child obesity and give solutions to fix this problem.

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majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of young
kids
Use synonyms
 around the world face the
problem
Use synonyms
 of
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
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.
Change the punctuation
?
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This
Linking Words
 is a serious
problem
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 that we can visualise these days .
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the main reasons
assosiated
Correct your spelling
associated
 with
Use synonyms
children
Replace the word
childhood
obesity
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 and the possible solutions for
such
Linking Words
as
Correct determiner usage
a
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problem
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.
One
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 of
major
Correct article usage
the major
show examples
 reasons
to
Change preposition
for
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this
Linking Words
problem
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 is junk
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food
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
food
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. Eating fast
food
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 is
one
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the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 vital causes
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
Use synonyms
kids
Check wording
kids'
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obesity
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.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because junk
food
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 doesn’t contain the minerals and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
vitamins that help
children
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to
Wrong verb form
apply
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grow in a proper way.
For
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example
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, fast
food
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 contains numerous kinds of fat and unhealthy stuff that make
kids
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 love the taste of it and make the child feel
more hungery
Replace the word
hungrier
 all the time. Another reason
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
 would be family history.
For
Linking Words
example
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,
kids
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 today inherit from their family various
health
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 problems similar to
us
Correct pronoun usage
those of us
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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one
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 of these problems is
obesity
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.
Finally
Linking Words
, the
last
Linking Words
 reason for being obese is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of movement. Unlike
couple
Correct article usage
a couple
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 of years before,
children
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 these days prefer to sit at home and play video games
instead
Linking Words
 of moving and playing with other
kids
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.
One
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 of the most effective solutions to
Use synonyms
kids
Check wording
kids'
show examples
obesity
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 would be eating healthy
food
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.
For
Linking Words
example
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, if we force young
kids
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 to eat healthy
food
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 all the time, we can eliminate part of the
problem
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. Second soloution would be
periodic
Correct article usage
a periodic
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 check.
For instance
Linking Words
, if people make periodic
health
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check
Check wording
checks
show examples
, they can reduce the possibility of getting
health
Use synonyms
 problems like
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
.
Linking Words
Last
Correct article usage
The last
show examples
 solution for the
problem
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 is exercising and
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
.
For
Linking Words
example
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, if people go
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
jym
Correct your spelling
gym
 daily
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 do a healthy diet
always
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 they will be less affected by the
problem
Use synonyms
 of
obesity
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. In conclusion,
Use synonyms
kids
Check wording
childhood
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
 is a serious
problem
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 many
kids
Use synonyms
 around the world face
this
Linking Words
problem
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.
However
Linking Words
, there are
also
Linking Words
 effective ways to eliminate
this
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more full way. You give reasons and solutions, but some ideas are too short.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. One paragraph for reasons and one for solutions is good, but each point needs better support.
coherence and cohesion
Add more clear links like 'first', 'next', 'as a result', and 'therefore' to help the reader follow your ideas.
task response
Your examples are often very general. Give one more real and clear example for each main point.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with repetition. You use 'problem' and 'kids obesity' many times. Try to vary the words in a simple way.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: reasons and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end.
coherence and cohesion
The main ideas are easy to see.
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