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Some people believe that children should begin formal education at a very early age, while others think they should not start school until they are at least seven. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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There is an ongoing debate regarding
education
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 in the early stages of childhood. A group of
indivinals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 believe that kids have to learn early.
However
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, the others argue that starting
school
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education
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 at the
age
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 of
seven
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 is most beneficial. In my opinion, I believe that when they are
seven
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 years old is a suitable
age
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 for
school
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 to learn new
skills
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. On one hand, there is a society believe that young learners should begin
education
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 at an early
age
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. Because it helps
children
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 learn moral values,
such
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 as tolerance and sharing. They could tolerate their faults
,
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apply
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 and share food or toys with others. Because early
education
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 helps them to love these values by participating in activities with their friends.
For example
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, if a kid wants to play with another kid's toys, but the other child refuses to share them,
this
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 is where early
education
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 comes in to teach students that sharing is a nice way to make friends.
Therefore
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,
school
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education
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 at the early stage of childhood is important in
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of families since it has many benefits for
children
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.
On the other hand
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, those in favour of the latter opinion have their own arguments.
To begin
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 with, they say that
children
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 have to start
school
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 at the
age
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 of
seven
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,
while
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school
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education
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 gives
children
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 more knowledge and
skills
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,
such
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 as effective communication and critical thinking. At the
age
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 of
seven
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, the brain develops the ability to learn new
skills
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, and they will be emotionally prepared.
For instance
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, if a teacher gives them a homework assignment, it will help kids
develops
Wrong verb form
develop
show examples
 how to think, write, and solve problems. That's why I personally agree with
this
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 statement about schooling at the
age
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 of
seven
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. In conclusion, I believe
children
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 have
to begin
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 their
education
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 when they are
seven
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 years old. Because it has more benefits for kids. It helps them broaden their horizons and gain the
skills
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 they need in life.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. Your view is clear, but the first side is shorter and less full.
task response
Explain your main ideas more. Some points are good, but they need deeper support.
task response
Use examples that are more real and more direct. Your toy-sharing example helps, but it is a bit simple.
coherence cohesion
Make links between ideas smoother. You use 'On one hand' and 'On the other hand' well, but some sentences do not flow well.
coherence cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because some parts are hard to follow.
coherence cohesion
Keep one clear main idea in each paragraph and build it step by step.
task response
You answered both views and gave your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and easy to see.
coherence cohesion
You used basic paragraphing well with one main idea in each body paragraph.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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