IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

nowsadays children spend a lot of time watching TV and playing computer games. However it does not help in improving children's mental abilities. Do you agree or disagreed

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Today, the amount spent
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 online
games
Use synonyms
 and TV
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 increased among youngsters. These habits
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not help to develop their mental abilities. In my opinion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement. Computer
games
Use synonyms
 do more harm than good to our
children
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 from a very young age are introduced to the media
word
Use the right word
world
show examples
 and virtual
games
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 can actually be a bad influence
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the youngsters.Today, TV shows are mostly
filed
Verb problem
filled
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 with abuse and crime scenes.Many
children
Use synonyms
 think that these actions are cool and fun, so they tend to practice them and become more violent.
Also
Linking Words
, many movies picture a non accepted ethical concept as a normal behaviour in the movies just to brainwash the viewer into accepting
this
Linking Words
 concept,
Which
Fix capitalization
which
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 many
children
Use synonyms
 fall into
this
Linking Words
 trap and esaily influenced.
Linking Words
furthermore
Capitalize the word
Furthermore
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, computer
games
Use synonyms
 are very dangerous
toward
Change preposition
for
show examples
 young
children
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 for many reasons.
Firstly
Linking Words
, most of these
games
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 contain a
mike
Correct your spelling
microphone
 where youngsters can talk to each other through it. So, you never know who your child is talking to
thid
Punctuation problem
. This
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 could be highly dangerous
espacialy
Punctuation problem
, espacialy
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 that you chilf might be communicating with a grown adult observing young
children
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.
As a result
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,
children
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 will trust
who
Correct pronoun usage
whom
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 they’re talking to over time and might do what they’re asked.
Due to
Linking Words
 the popularity of online
Use synonyms
games
Add a comma
games,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 development might cause isolation among
children
Use synonyms
.Because they
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 want to play with a group at the park or the street
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 reduces social
intercation
Correct your spelling
interaction
 between them. In conclusion,
children
Use synonyms
 are spending more and more time on TV shows and online
games
Use synonyms
, rather than spending it with their friends or family members.
This
Linking Words
mught
Correct your spelling
might
 cause isolation and reduce social interaction among them,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 might lead to personality issues in the future.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. You agree, but you should also explain more about mental ability, not only danger and social problems.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas for each body paragraph. One paragraph can be about TV, and one can be about games and the mind.
task response
Give one or two clear examples to support your ideas. This will make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like 'first', 'also', 'for example', and 'as a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Check that every sentence connects to the main point of the paragraph.
task response
You gave a clear opinion in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You stayed on the general topic of children, TV, and games.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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