IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a very serious health problem. Give the reasons for child obesity and give solutions to fix this health problem

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Life
is
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 changed nowadays
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 that includes how children live. Today
there
Punctuation problem
, there
show examples
 is a serious health issue involving children. Many of them are overweight and unhealthy.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the reasons for child
obesity
Use synonyms
 and give solutions to fix
this
Linking Words
 health
problem
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons for
this
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
.
First,
Linking Words
fast
food
Use synonyms
 that
conclude
Verb problem
contains
show examples
 saturated fats. The fast
food
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 spread in the world.
Mc Donald
Check wording
McDonald's
show examples
 is the best eatry serves fast
food
Use synonyms
everybody
Punctuation problem
; everybody
show examples
 is addicted to it. The second main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 child
obesity
Use synonyms
 is laziness and video games.
Teenage
Check wording
Teens
show examples
 and kids spend their whole time on video games regardless of their tasks.
Linking Words
Finally
Punctuation problem
Finally,
show examples
 stress
food
Use synonyms
 that many people are suffering from
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. The people always eat
twenty four
Correct your spelling
twenty-four
 hours a day.
That is
Linking Words
 a major
problem
Use synonyms
 Leads to
obesity
Use synonyms
.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 there are many solutions for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
child
obesity
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with People should go to
gym
Correct article usage
the gym
show examples
 and do extreme training. They should do
push ups
Correct your spelling
push-ups
 and
running
Wrong verb form
run
show examples
. They should practice some sports like football. In additon they should not eat fast
food
Use synonyms
. They should
do a healthy diet and have
Correct word order
have a healthy diet and
show examples
 a healthy
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
. They should not eat Mc Donalds and junk
food
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Finally
Add a comma
Finally,
show examples
 they should sleep early and have less
diner
Use the right word
dinner
show examples
. Sleeping is very important
that
Correct word choice
because it
show examples
 helps the body to avoid
obesity
Use synonyms
.
Diner
Replace the word
Dining
 is not
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 good option, it will lead to
fats
Check wording
fat
show examples
 in the human body. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 we should avoid
obesity
Use synonyms
. There are many casues about
obesity
Use synonyms
 we should avoid.
They
Correct pronoun usage
There
show examples
 are many
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
 to avoid
obesity
Use synonyms
.
Obesity
Use synonyms
 is a serious
problem
Use synonyms
every one
Correct pronoun usage
that everyone
show examples
 should avoid
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You give reasons and solutions, but some ideas are too short.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. One paragraph for reasons and one for solutions is good, but each idea needs better support.
task response
Add simple and real examples. For example, say how too much screen time means less play or sport.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly with words like first, also, because, so, and as a result.
task response
Keep the focus on children. Some sentences talk about people in general, not children.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar because some lines are hard to understand, and this hurts flow.
task response
You answer the full topic by giving both reasons and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words such as first, finally, and in addition.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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