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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people think that there should be a law against kids coming out of their house after dark. Explain both views and give your opinion.

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There are a plethora of incidents
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
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 be seen or heard in
news
Correct article usage
the news
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 about kidnappings and rapes in today's world. A
numberof
Correct your spelling
number of
 masses believe that there should be a constitution in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of
children
Use synonyms
 roaming out of their
residence
Fix the agreement mistake
residences
show examples
 in
darkness
Correct determiner usage
the dark
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.
This
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 essay will explain both the notions and will depict my own
persoective
Correct your spelling
perspective
 on
this
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 statement. On the one hand,
If
Fix capitalization
if
show examples
children
Use synonyms
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
show examples
 out of their houses at night, it can be dangerous for them in many
terms
Check wording
ways
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. To explicate it, kids may get kidnapped by some decoits or
theifs
Correct your spelling
thieves
 who
demands
Correct subject-verb agreement
demand
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 money in exchange
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 or harm them to
compell
Correct your spelling
compel
 them to do
llegal
Correct your spelling
illegal
 things
such
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 as begging and child labour
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can benefit them with good value of money.
For instance
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,
A
Correct article usage
apply
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research has been conducted which shows
around
Correct word choice
that around
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 40% of kidnapped
children
Use synonyms
 are beggars who
got
Verb problem
were
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 kidnapped in the dark.
Therefore
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, there should be a strict law enforced on the young
one's
Check wording
ones
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 who roam around at night
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such
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, such
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 as
penalty
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a penalty
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.
On the other hand
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, every coin has two sides
,
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;
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 if independence comes to mind,
then
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 imposing law on the kids might be questionable. To
eleborate
Correct your spelling
elaborate
 it, In todays contemporary era
;
Punctuation problem
,
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 every
Use synonyms
children
Fix the agreement mistake
child
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 demands liberty to enjoy their lives freely. By implementing legislations on them for roaming around at night may make them rebel and frustrate.
For example
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, A global research finds that about 70% of young
children
Use synonyms
 are expressing anger and frustration because they are having restrictions on them.
Hence
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, barriers can cause more
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
mental stress
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can harm them in
long
Correct article usage
the long
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 term. In conclusion,
Linking Words
Although
Fix capitalization
although
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 having laws imposed on
children
Use synonyms
 can give them mental stress. Yet, I believe that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 a law can
safe
Verb problem
save
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 them from fatal incidents which can cause them
life long
Correct your spelling
lifelong
 depression or
scary
Correct article usage
a scary
show examples
 experience. So, to save them from all the
hazadeous
Correct your spelling
hazardous
 things like kidnapping.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. Your second side is shorter and less clear.
task response
Give your opinion more clearly in the body, not only at the end.
task response
Use examples that feel real and clear. Some numbers in your examples do not sound strong or sure.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea easy to follow. Some sentences are too long and hard to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like 'first', 'also', 'however', and 'as a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph flow. Some parts jump too fast from one idea to another.
task response
You answered both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The main topic stays the same through the essay.
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