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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some think that developing a successful career is more important than spending time with family and friends, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give our own opinion.

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In
this
Linking Words
 modern world, many people fight for their success caree, which sometime causing a less quality
time
Use synonyms
 with family.
Although
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 a number of individuals think it is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 price of being
success
Replace the word
successful
, I disagree with
this
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 argument
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 I will explore more in
this
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 essay. On the one hand, achieving
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
show examples
 position in
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
 will make it life-changing, which most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
individuals are willing to take any path to make it come true. Many individuals have
bold
Correct article usage
a bold
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 view that
career
Correct article usage
a career
show examples
 is not just a job, but a level that should increase as they get older or
experienced
Wrong verb form
gain experience
show examples
. It will make someone have many privileges in their life, not entirely in their financial, but
also
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 a title and respect from surrounding.
For example
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, many workers have a meeting or
working
Replace the word
work
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
at
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 weekends to level up positions, which
is
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
also
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reducing
Wrong verb form
reduces
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 family
time
Use synonyms
 that
only
Verb problem
is only
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 provided on the weekends.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 practice would destroy a bond and trust within
family
Correct article usage
a family
show examples
, which may lead to negative consequences,
such
Linking Words
 as divorce, depression, and unhappy children. Family is a key
of joyness
Change preposition
to joy
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 and
happyness
Replace the word
happiness
,
less
Correct article usage
the less
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time
Use synonyms
 they get attention and care from
us
Punctuation problem
us,
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 it will
left
Wrong verb form
leave
show examples
 us no trust and the closeness
reduce
Verb problem
will reduce
show examples
. For people who put first
working
Replace the word
apply
are likely to end up
loneliness
Replace the word
lonely
. Meanwhile,
family
Check wording
families
show examples
 who
affected
Verb problem
are affected
show examples
 will face mental
disoder
Correct your spelling
disorders
such
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 as stress and depression,
due to
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 the feeling of being abandoned, or for children, they do not feel a
figure of father
Correct word order
father figure
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, which is important for kids' mental development. That said, pursuing success with
this
Linking Words
 strict rule will
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
likely
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
result
negative
Change preposition
in negative
show examples
 consequences in life. In conclusion, achievement in
career
Correct article usage
a career
show examples
 will make someone prominent and respected.
However
Linking Words
, if it
sacrifice
Correct subject-verb agreement
sacrifices
show examples
 family
time
Use synonyms
 and trust, it will
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
likely
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
result
negative
Change preposition
in negative
show examples
 consequences in life.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about career and family, but the first side needs more clear reasons.
task response
Give your opinion in a more direct way in the body, not only in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
Use one or two more clear examples to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea easy to follow. Some sentences are hard to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear topic in each paragraph and explain it step by step.
task response
You answer both views and give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The main topic stays on career and family through the essay.
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