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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

VACCINATING CHILDREN AGAINST PREVENTABLE DISEASE IS NOT ONLY UNNECESSARY BUT ALSO DANGEROUS. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE ?

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Some people argue that vaccinating
children
Use synonyms
 against preventable diseases can be harmful.
However
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, from my perspective, there are compelling reasons why vaccinating is still necessary even in these conditions.
To begin
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 with, people think that vaccinating
children
Use synonyms
 can cause unpredictable or even dangerous consequences. These
risks
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 can be caused
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due to
Change preposition
by
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 the weak immunity system
in
Change preposition
at
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such
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 a small age.
For example
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,
according to
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 the Oxford
university
Capitalize the proper name
University
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 studies
35
Punctuation problem
, 35
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 per cent of
children
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, who were under 5 years old, started rapidly losing weight after vaccination against the flu.
Therefore
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, some people believe that these
risks
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 are not worth it. Especially in terms of preventable diseases, which often can be avoided if parents have a responsible attitude toward their
children
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. From another point of view, the health of
children
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 is the highest priority. Parents have to
minimize
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minimise
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 all
risks
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 in order to protect kids from any
sicknesses
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sickness
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. In
this
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 case, vaccination is a significant part of
this
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 protection. Yes, it might
has
Wrong verb form
have
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 some unpredictable consequences, but chances for positive impacts are still higher.
In addition
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, preventable illnesses can result in extremely dangerous
disesases
Correct your spelling
diseases
.
For instance
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, the cold can cause
the
Correct article usage
apply
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pneumonia, which is dramatically hard to get over.
Alhough
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Although
,
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apply
show examples
risks
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 from preventable sicknesses can be even bigger than
risks
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 from vaccination against these sicknesses.
To sum up
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, I agree that vaccinating
children
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 from preventable diseases can cause some
risks
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, but it still has
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 number of advantages.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start. Say directly that you disagree, not only 'from my perspective'.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Add one more clear reason why vaccines are needed.
task response
Use examples that sound real and fit the topic better. The flu and the cold are not the best support for your main claim.
coherence and cohesion
Keep your ideas more focused. In one part, you talk about side effects, then about parent duty, then about preventable illness. Link them more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use better linking words. For example: 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'As a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence connection inside paragraphs. Some sentences feel separate, not part of one clear line of thought.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear ending that repeats your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has clear paragraphing.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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