IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is the responsibility of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

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In
this
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 modern era, saving
money
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 for retirement has become the subject of considerable debate.Some individuals consider it
is
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apply
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the responsibility of people to fund
money
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 for their own retirement.
While
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,
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 others assume the authorities need not provide
money
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.In
this
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 essay, I will explain why I partially agree with
this
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 point of view. On the one hand, it is widely debated that individuals must save
money
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 for their future lives.
This
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 is to say that they need to spend their funding with careful planning and need to be organised about their ambitions.
For example
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, from my personal experience, one needs to save their monthly payment themselves
due to
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 the fact that, in some cases, the government may not be able to provide elderly citizens with funding.
This
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 situation has happened in my country , where young employees waste their
money
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instead
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 of saving , which could lead to severe financial hardship in old age.
On the other hand
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, it is believed that the authorities should provide
elderly employees' expenses
Correct word order
for the expenses of elderly employees
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and guarantee a basic level of support.
This
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 is because not all workers can save their sums depending on several reasons , including low-income jobs, chronic illness, and financial crisis.
For instance
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, in
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
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, the government itself manage pension system and controls its citizens' expenses.
This
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 approach can have a noticeable improvement even in the economy since senior citizens still have the ability to make a business or work in white-collar jobs.
To conclude
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,even though
,
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 there are compelling reasons for funding
money
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 some individuals may not be able to save sums.
However
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, other people themselves need to plan their budget for their retirement.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start. You say you partly agree, but your reason is not fully clear in all parts.
task response
Answer all parts of the question in a more direct way. Say why people should save, and why the state should still help some people.
task response
Use more clear and full ideas in each body part. Some points are good, but they need a little more detail.
task response
Your examples are helpful, but some are too general. Add one more clear and real result from each example.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part shape: start, 2 body parts, end. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words with more care. Some are good, like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand', but some lines feel too long or not smooth.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main point easy to follow. Put one clear idea first, then explain it, then give the example.
coherence and cohesion
Check the end. Your last lines repeat ideas, but the final view is not very strong or fully clear.
task response
You answer the topic and give both sides of the issue.
task response
You include examples from your own country and from the Netherlands.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' help show the order of ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement savings
  • financial planning
  • economic circumstances
  • government provision
  • basic state pension
  • financial independence
  • income disparities
  • aging populations
  • social safety net
  • tax burden
  • financial education
  • quality of life
  • personal financial responsibility
  • social inequality
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