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Writing Samples
Band 5

In films and computer games violence has become more popular. Some people think this has negative effects on society, other think it is harmless relaxation. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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These days,
computer
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games
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 and movies contain more violence because it has become popular.
Although
Linking Words
 somebody thinks that
this
Linking Words
 makes individuals addicted to violent
content
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, other
people
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 claim that it is absolutely harmless and relaxing. From my own perspective, we should learn to control our
content
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 consumption,
while
Linking Words
 restricting only the worst ones
because
Punctuation problem
, because
show examples
 some violent
content
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 can be beneficial. On the one hand, some
people
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 worry about
negative
Correct article usage
the negative
show examples
 effects of violent
content
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 on society.
This
Linking Words
 is because it may worsen humans' mental health and make them addicted to violence.
As a result
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,
people
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 might want to repeat violent actions from
computer
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games
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 and films in real life.
For example
Linking Words
, as my little brother played a
computer
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 game called "Mortal
Combat
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Kombat
show examples
 11" — a game where users choose various characters and fight in extremely violent ways —, he asked disturbing questions about the ways those characters killed each other. If he continued playing it, maybe he would start acting like
characters
Correct article usage
the characters
show examples
 of the game.
On the other hand
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, others consider it harmless relaxation and stress relief because for
them
Punctuation problem
them,
show examples
such
Linking Words
computer
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games
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 and films are the only way to relax.
Moreover
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, they make
people
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 more aware of violent accidents and
helped
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
 them to avoid
such
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 situations.
For instance
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, when I watched a movie called "Revenge 2" — a movie where the main character kills her enemies
taking
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, taking
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 revenge on them —
,
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apply
show examples
I could realize terrible outcomes of harm caused to
people
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.
As a result
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, I learned to forgive
people
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 who harmed me.
This
Linking Words
 evidence suggests that sometimes
such
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 movies and
computer
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games
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 are useful for society. Ultimately,
while
Linking Words
 violent media can influence vulnerable individuals, the solution lies in mindful consumption rather than blanket rejection. I believe society benefits most when harmful
content
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 is limited and beneficial
content
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 is preserved.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start and keep it the same in all parts.
task response
Explain your ideas a bit more so the reader can fully see why you think this.
task response
Use examples that sound more real and less like a personal guess.
coherence and cohesion
Link some ideas more smoothly. A few parts feel a bit sudden.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with words like 'somebody' and 'other people' so both sides sound balanced.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main point, then add one clear reason and one example.
task response
You discussed both sides and gave your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most main points are supported with examples.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggressive behavior
  • glorify
  • artistic expression
  • pent-up emotions
  • media consumption
  • model for conflict resolution
  • fiction vs. reality
  • outlet for frustration
  • conclusive evidence
  • social influences
  • real-world aggression
  • interaction
  • imitation
  • controlled environment
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