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Band 5

In films and computer games violence has become more popular. Some people think this has negative effects on society, other think it is harmless relaxation. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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These days,
computer
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games
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 and
movies
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 consist more of
violence
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 because it
became
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has become
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 popular.
Although
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 somebody thinks that
this
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 negatively affects
society
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, other
people
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 believe that it is absolutely harmless and relaxing. Both sides will be equally discussed before sharing my own opinion
in
Change preposition
at
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 the end of
this
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 essay. As
violence
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 became more popular in
computer
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games
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 and
movies
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, some
people
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 started worrying
of
Change preposition
about
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 its negative effects on
society
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.
This
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 is because it may worsen humans' mental health and make them
addictive
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addicted
 to
violence
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.
As a result
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,
people
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 might want to repeat violent actions from
computer
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games
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 and films in real life.
For example
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, as my little brother played a
computer
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game
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 called "Mortal
Combat
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Kombat
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 11" — a
game
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 where users choose various characters and fight with the most violent ways —, he asked
ammoral
Correct your spelling
amoral
 questions about the ways those characters killed each other.
Therefore
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,
this
Linking Words
game
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 harmed his mindset, and if he continued playing it, maybe he would start acting like
characters
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the characters
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 of the
game
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.
However
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, others consider it
as
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apply
show examples
harmless relaxation because for
them
Punctuation problem
them,
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such
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computer
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games
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 and films are the only way to relax.
Moreover
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, they made
people
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 more aware of possible accidents and helped them to avoid
such
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 situations.
For instance
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, when I watched a movie called "Revenge 2" — a movie where the main character kills her enemies taking revenge
of
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on
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 them —
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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I could realize terrible outcomes of harm caused to
people
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.
As a result
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, I became more respectful to
people
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 and learned to forgive
people
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 who harmed me.
This
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 evidence suggests that sometimes
such
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movies
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 and
computer
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games
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 are useful for
society
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. In conclusion,
violence
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 in digital
games
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 and films is still popular. Even though some
people
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 assume that it has negative effects on
society
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.
others
Capitalize the word
Others
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 think that it is harmless relaxation. In my opinion,
violence
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 in
computer
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games
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 and
movies
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 can be both harmful and useful. That's why we should learn to control
contents
Correct determiner usage
the content
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 that we consume, restrict the ones that are too harmful, and leave
movies
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 and
computer
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games
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 which are beneficial for
society
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 and do not harm it.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. The second side is a bit less full than the first side.
task response
Make your opinion more clear from the start and keep it the same through the essay.
task response
Use examples, but make them short and clearly linked to your main idea.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly between sentences and between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Check small breaks in flow, like long example parts with many commas and dashes.
coherence cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own opinion in the end.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggressive behavior
  • glorify
  • artistic expression
  • pent-up emotions
  • media consumption
  • model for conflict resolution
  • fiction vs. reality
  • outlet for frustration
  • conclusive evidence
  • social influences
  • real-world aggression
  • interaction
  • imitation
  • controlled environment
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