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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the cause of the problem and what measure could be taken to solve it?

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In today’s rapidly evolving world, the average weight of
people
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 is increasing
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 leads to serious
health
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 challenges,
such
Linking Words
 as obesity. I firmly believe that overuse of screens and financial
problems
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 are the primary
divers
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drivers
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 of
this
Linking Words
 issue. To address
this
Linking Words
 problem, both
public
Correct article usage
the public
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 and governments should share the responsibility to achieve long-term beneficial consequences. One major contributing factor is excessive screen
time
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.
This
Linking Words
 practice has encouraged
people
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 to adopt a sedentary lifestyle
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 limits their physical
activities
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, resulting in
decreasing
Replace the word
decreased
health
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 and fitness levels. Another contributor is that financial
problems
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 compel
people
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 to work long hours
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 leaves them with limited opportunities and less energy to participate in outdoor
activities
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,
such
Linking Words
 as exploring nature and exercising. These
activities
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 help
people
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 improve their mental
health
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 and become fit by disconnecting them from life stress and encouraging them to
physical
Verb problem
engage in physical
show examples
activities
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.
As a result
Linking Words
, the absence of
such
Linking Words
activities
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 leads to serious
health
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 issues.
For instance
Linking Words
, excessive TV watching hinders young
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people
Check wording
people's
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 personal and professional development, mainly because it limits the
time
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 they can take part in various
activities
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such
Linking Words
 as exercising and
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
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 with their friends and family, which has a negative impact on their
health
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 and interpersonal skills.
Hence
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, overuse of screens and economic hardship play an indispensable role in increasing the average weight in society. To tackle
this
Linking Words
 challenge, the cooperation of
people
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 and governments can bring about positive changes. Policymakers should implement effective measures that contribute significantly to mitigating financial
problems
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, including efficient economic strategies and funding
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people
Change preposition
for people
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 in need. These measures can improve living standards and reduce life stress levels, resulting in enhancing
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
public
Check wording
public's
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overall
Linking Words
 well-being.
People
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 should
also
Linking Words
 regulate their screen
time
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 to have adequate opportunities to participate in physical
activities
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, which help them maintain their fitness and improve their mental
health
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. As an example, hiking can have a meaningful impact on
people
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’s
health
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, because it provides ideal conditions for
people
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 to participate in physical
activities
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while
Linking Words
 enjoying spending
time
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 in natural beauty
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 makes them feel energetic and relaxed.
Thus
Linking Words
,
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 and governments should cooperate
together
Rephrase
apply
show examples
to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem more efficiently.
To sum up
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, from my perspective, financial
problems
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 and overconsumption of screens can play an indispensable role in
rising
Verb problem
raising
show examples
 the average weight of
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 in society. To address
this
Linking Words
 issue, individuals and policymakers should take effective
measure
Check wording
measures
show examples
 to prevent
this
Linking Words
 growing concern.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. Say the causes and the measures in a very clear and simple form.
task response
Use ideas that are more closely linked to weight, health, and fitness. Some points about screen use and money are good, but explain the link more clearly.
task response
Your examples are helpful, but they can be more specific and shorter.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences are hard to follow. Split them into shorter sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. A few ideas repeat, and some links feel too long.
task response
You answer both the cause and solution parts of the task.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: too much screen time and money problems.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well organized into clear paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
You use a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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