Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to success in their career, while others argue that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views.

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Recently, teenage life after
school
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has been a frequent topic of discussion.
Although
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some
people
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prefer to go to college after graduating from
school
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, others believe
starting
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that starting
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to
work
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upon leaving
school
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is far more beneficial for young
people
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.
However
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, I consider that possessing an official
university
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degree is important for young
people
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’s
overall
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development. There are several reasons why some
people
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prefer to
work
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right after they graduate from
school
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.
Firstly
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, some young adults would like to start their own businesses from a young age
which
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, which
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might pay off in the long run. Driven by extreme ambition, a lot of high
school
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graduates believe they will become successful entrepreneurs one day.
Moreover
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, teenagers who want to
work
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as soon as they leave
school
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will choose professions that do not require a diploma or a
university
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degree in most cases.
For example
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, they can
work
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in fields
,
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apply
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such
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as construction and customer support. So a college degree might be considered unnecessary in those cases.
Nevertheless
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, one major benefit of entering college or
university
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is that with
this
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action, young
people
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can not only receive their official diplomas, but they can
also
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open the doors to opportunities for their personal development throughout their studies.
This
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is because institutions play a crucial role in providing resourceful libraries and a peaceful study environment where students
could
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can
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have adequate time and space to dedicate themselves to improvement.
Furthermore
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, some jobs require formal
university
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degrees
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such
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, such
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as physicians and lawyers. A
university
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provides students with enough knowledge and relevant practical experience for those professions.
Thus
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, applying
for
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to
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universities is an essential choice for high
school
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graduates. In conclusion, getting a job right after graduating high
school
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is a preferable choice for some
people
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,
while
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others think studying at
the
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a
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university
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is fundamental. In my opinion, institutions offer young
people
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great opportunities for both their personal and professional development.

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task response
For task response: You discuss both views and give your opinion, so this is good. But your ideas can be more full and more direct to the question about career success.
task response
For task response: Add one more clear example for each side. This will make your points stronger and more real.
task response
For task response: Some ideas are a bit general, like personal development. Explain how university helps career success in a more exact way.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: Your essay has a clear 4-part structure: intro, one side, other side, conclusion. This is good for the reader.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: Use linking words well, but do not use too many long phrases. Keep links simple and clear.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: Some sentences are long. Shorter sentences can make your main idea easier to follow.
task response
You answer all parts of the question and clearly show your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
Your main points are relevant and stay on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because each paragraph has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and clear.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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