IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some ex-prisoners commit crimes after being released from prison. What do you think is the cause? How can it be solved?

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In
this
Linking Words
 modern era,
although
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 many
ex-prisoners
Use synonyms
 genuinely wish to rebuild their lives after getting released from
jail
Use synonyms
, a considerable number end up committing crimes again.
This
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 is mainly
due to
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 difficulty in finding employment
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 and
Use synonyms
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of rehabilitation and social
support
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.
However
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, there is a range of measures that could be implemented to mitigate
this
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 issue. One of the main reasons is struggling to find a
job
Use synonyms
 after getting released from prison. When any person who
commited
Wrong verb form
has committed
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 a
crime
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 in past, and
willing
Verb problem
is willing
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 to find a
Use synonyms
job
Punctuation problem
job,
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 finds it more difficult because
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of the firms will have trust issues.
Ex-prisoners
Use synonyms
 can not hide the crimes they
did
Verb problem
committed
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 in past as the criminal record will stay
life longer in
Change preposition
on
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 their legal documents
.
Change preposition
for life.
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Moreover
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,
lack
Use synonyms
 of social
support
Use synonyms
 is a significant cause, which leads
ex-prisoners
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 to commit the
crime
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 again. Society will see the person who commited
crime
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 in a different way and will not give
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to the person who is genuinely guilty. Few
also
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 find it hard to secure a
job
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 because of
Use synonyms
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
education
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 they did not get when they were in
jail
Use synonyms
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For
Punctuation problem
. For
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 instance, in some countries where there is
a
Correct article usage
apply
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community
support
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 for the people who
commited
Correct word order
committed a crime, it
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crime
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, results in
lesser
Correct word choice
a lower
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crime
Use synonyms
 rate.
However
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, there are a number of ways to tackle
this
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 issue.
Firstly
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,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should provide proper
education
Use synonyms
 to
ex-prisoners
Use synonyms
 when they get released from
jail
Use synonyms
.
Education
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 adds an important value which not only helps former prisoners in their personal growth but
also
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will help to
Wrong verb form
helps them
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 stay connected with the real world.
Also
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, there should
few organizations
Correct word order
be a few organisations
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 in which
ex-prisoners
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 can get jobs easily and can make money for their survival, which leads the willingness to commit
Use synonyms
crime
Correct article usage
a crime
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 again. To
conculde
Correct your spelling
conclude
, not only will the
ability
Check wording
inability
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 to secure a
job
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but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
also
Linking Words
Use synonyms
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of social
support
Use synonyms
 after getting released from
jail
Use synonyms
 cause
ex-prisoners
Use synonyms
 to
do
Verb problem
commit
show examples
 the
crime
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 again. Only when
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 provides proper
education
Use synonyms
 to the former prisoners and
organizations
Change the spelling
organisations
show examples
 provide assistance with jobs will the situation be remedied.

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task response
For task response, you answer both parts of the question: cause and solution. This is good. But some ideas are not fully explained. Try to say more clearly how each cause leads to crime again, and how each solution can work in real life.
task response
Your main points are relevant, especially jobs, education, and support. But the example is too general. Add one clear and real example, or explain the example more.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the grammar is weak and the ideas are too long. Use shorter sentences and one clear idea in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic structure: introduction, body, and conclusion. This helps the reader. Keep this structure.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words like 'firstly', 'moreover', and 'however' are good, but sometimes the link between ideas is still not smooth. Make sure each sentence connects clearly to the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph should have one main idea. In your first body paragraph, you mix job problems, social support, and education. It would be better to group them more clearly.
task response
You clearly answer the question and talk about both causes and solutions.
task response
Your essay stays on topic from start to end.
coherence and cohesion
You use a clear essay format with an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words to move from one idea to the next.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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