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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

✍🏻 Some people believe schools should teach financial management, cooking and communication skills instead of some traditional subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is often argued that some individuals
opt
Correct pronoun usage
who opt
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 for schools should focus more on financial management, cooking and communication
skills
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 rather than traditional subjects.
While
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,
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apply
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 the opposite side of society votes for the idea
,
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apply
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 of promoting traditional
skills
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. I partly agree with
this
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 idea
, in
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. In
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this
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 essay, I’m gonna advocate my point of view. First of all, all three
skills
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 play a crucial role in
students
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' lives. Learning management, cooking and communication allow
to
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apply
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students
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 to find better
work places
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workplaces
 in the future and
easy
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make it easier
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 to solve issues if we have communication
skill
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skills
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.
For example
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, my brother in
low
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law
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 does not know how to communicate with others, so when he started his first year
study
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of study
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 at the
university
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university,
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 he could not get on well with his Tutor and with his teacher. Unfortunately, when he could not pass the yearly exam at university, his tutor did not help him, so he paid extra money for credit.
This
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 situation taught him to be more polite and friendly with others.
On the other hand
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, these
skills
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 can be learned by parents at home.
Students
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 acquire knowledge of all compulsory subjects as well. Because
,
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apply
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 we are living in the modern era
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,
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everything related to our job is controlled by technology.
For instance
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, if I would like to show some kind of video related to my subject, I should rely on a computer without having background knowledge of computer I can not promote my lesson. In conclusion,
while
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 I agree that three
skills
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 are
also
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 important, I
also
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 believe that traditional subjects enable
to develop
Unsplit the infinitive
students to develop their
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students
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 learning.
Therefore
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, a balanced approach is necessary when teaching
students
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.

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task response
Answer the main question more clearly. Say early if you agree, disagree, or partly agree, and keep this same view all through the essay.
task response
Add one clear main idea in each body part, then explain it more. Some ideas are there, but they are not fully developed.
task response
Use examples that fit the topic in a direct way. The example about your family is real, but it should link more clearly to school subjects.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph easier to follow. Start with a clear topic sentence, then add support, then end the idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a correct and simple way. Some words like 'While' and 'Because' are used in a weak or wrong place.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because some parts are hard to understand and this hurts the flow of ideas.
task response
You answer the topic and give your own view.
task response
You include both sides of the issue, which helps show balance.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use an example to support your point.
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