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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health problem. Give the reasons responsible for child obesity and offer solutions to solve this problem.

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A serious health problem that many children
suffered
Wrong verb form
suffer
show examples
 from nowadays
called
Verb problem
is called
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
.
Obesity
Use synonyms
 is a disease that fats percentage
in
Change preposition
of fat in
show examples
 the
body
Use synonyms
 is higher than normal levels. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 we will examine the most common reasons and solutions to
this
Linking Words
 obstacle. On the one hand, many reasons could lead to
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, unhealthy nutrition can affect the healthy
cells
Check wording
cells'
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 functions.
For example
Linking Words
, sugars, carbohydrates, and unsaturated fats can increase the calories and
therefore
Linking Words
 increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
body
Use synonyms
 weight.
Secondly
Linking Words
, less
body
Use synonyms
 movement
due to
Linking Words
 laziness or mental illness can lead to
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
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 impact on
body
Use synonyms
 weight.
For instance
Linking Words
, a child who doesn’t go to the gym
everyday
Rephrase
every day
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 has a higher risk of
obesity
Use synonyms
 compared to
young
Correct article usage
a young
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 person who have exercise routine.
Finally
Linking Words
, poor
education
Use synonyms
poses a significant effect on children
Correct word order
has a significant effect on children's
show examples
 health. Many studies
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 that children with poor
education
Use synonyms
 are not aware of the side effects resulting from
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 students with higher
education
Use synonyms
 often
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
avoid
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
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 lifestyle and have better choices.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, there are many solutions to
this
Linking Words
 dilemma. One of the solutions is to replace fast
foods
Check wording
food
show examples
 with healthy meals.
For example
Linking Words
, reducing sugars and carbohydrates and increasing protein consumption can reduce
body
Use synonyms
 weight. The second solution is to make exercise more accessible and enjoyable for the child.
Finally
Linking Words
, in
Use synonyms
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
system
Add a comma
system,
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 we need to increase the awareness of the
obesity
Use synonyms
 consequences. In conclusion, there are many reasons and strategies to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Healthy
Correct article usage
A healthy
show examples
body
Use synonyms
 resulting from good
education
Use synonyms
, nutrition and daily workout.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You give reasons and solutions, but some ideas are short.
task response
Explain each main point more clearly. Add one more line to show how and why it causes obesity.
task response
Use more exact examples. Some examples are general and not fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Put ideas in a clearer order. Some sentences are hard to follow because of word form and grammar problems.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simple and smooth way. Use clear words like first, also, because, as a result, and finally.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main idea and support it well.
task response
You answer the topic and talk about both reasons and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraphing, and this helps the reader follow your main points.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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