IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

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It is often argued that some individuals think that
money
Use synonyms
 is one of the vital
factors
Use synonyms
 in promoting
happiness
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.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
money
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 is
undeniable
Correct article usage
an undeniable
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 factor for being happy. I strongly believe that there are more crucial
factors
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promote
Correct pronoun usage
that promote
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being
Verb problem
apply
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happiness
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including
Punctuation problem
, including
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 family, physical and mental
health
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 and friends. First and foremost, some
people
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 believe that it
difficult
Verb problem
is difficult
show examples
 to imagine
happiness
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 without
money
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. Being
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rich and wealthy is one of the important
factors
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 to promote and share
happiness
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 with others.
Consequently
Linking Words
, even
thought
Use the right word
though
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 couldn't buy
happiness
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, able to solve problems
such
Linking Words
 as some
health
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 problems and
complating
Verb problem
completing
show examples
 missions.
For instance
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, nowadays many kinds illness are healing because of the development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical technology.
Therefore
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,
people
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 possive to live more long compared to previous.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I side with those who believe that
money
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 is not
important
Correct article usage
an important
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 part
for
Change preposition
of
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happiness
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 and there are more vital
factors
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. Family and
happiness
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 are fundamental
factors
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 for being happy
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it
impossible
Verb problem
is impossible
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 to illustrate
happiness
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 without them.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
happiness
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 is
human's
Correct article usage
a human's
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 a feeling
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 it means
people
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 just feel that from many
factors
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. To cite a clear example, the shop doesn't
sale
Replace the word
sell
 family, friends and
health
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.
Wich
Correct your spelling
Which
 means that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 individuals can feel
happiness
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 from many
factors
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solely not
Correct word order
, not solely
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money
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. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 wealth is
important
Correct article usage
an important
show examples
 factor for promoting and
share
Wrong verb form
sharing
show examples
happiness
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. I firmly believe that being rich is not enough
for
Change preposition
to
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 be happy
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 family and
health
Use synonyms
factors
Use synonyms
 are more
influence
Replace the word
influential in
happiness
Use synonyms
 measurements.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Say clearly if people can be happy without much money, and explain other things that bring happiness.
task response
Give stronger main ideas in each body part. Some ideas are there, but they need more clear support.
task response
Use one or two simple and clear examples. Your health example is helpful, but it needs better detail.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph have one main point. This will help the essay feel more easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, for example, however, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and word use, because some parts are hard to understand and this breaks the flow.
task response
You answered the topic and gave your opinion.
task response
You included more than one factor for happiness, such as family, health, and friends.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used some linking words like first and on the other hand.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
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