IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, parents put a large amount of pressure on their children to achieve high grades at school, leaving very little to no time for them to take part in leisure activities. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

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Many parents around the globe push their
children
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 to get higher scores at
school
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, not allowing them enough
time
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 for hobbies or fun
activities
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.
This
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 approach might seem to yield many benefits, but it
also
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 has unavoidable drawbacks. In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I will discuss both
,
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apply
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 the advantages and the disadvantages of parents not giving
children
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 enough space in their day to practice
activities
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 other than studying. It is true that the more students pay attention to their education, the better grades they will achieve
and
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, and
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 that opens the door to better opportunities for them in the future. Not only that, but
also
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children
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 focus on their academic progress tend to develop discipline and a better sense of responsibility. Dedicating the larger portion of their day to studying may aid in developing serious and more productive society members.
Thus
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, those with higher
school
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 scores can secure jobs
easier
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more easily
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 and
faster
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quickly
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. One of the major negative implications of
this
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 is
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children
Correct word choice
that children
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 who are not allowed sufficient
time
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 to do fun things other than studying usually suffer
with
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from
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 personality issues,
such
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 as self-confidence and identity loss.
That is
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 because they were deprived of discovering themselves through different leisure
activities
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, so they are uncertain of what they can or can not do.
In addition
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, these individuals will turn into people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 do not know what they like or what they want to do in life
due to
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 the lack of experience
of
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in
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 other fields that they did not study
at
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in
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school
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. Another drawback is the limited social circle, as they will have very few
friends
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friends,
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 if any.
As a consequence
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, they grow up to have problems fitting-in in the community as they lack particular social skills. In conclusion,
children
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 are encouraged to spend
reasonable
Correct article usage
a reasonable
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 amount of their
time
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 studying to maintain
good
Correct article usage
a good
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 academic record and have better chances in the future.
However
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, spending some
time
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 on extracurricular
activities
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 after
school
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 is
also
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 important for
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy personal development.

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task response
For task response, answer both sides in a more equal way. Your bad side is stronger than your good side.
task response
For task response, add one short real example for each main point. This will make your ideas stronger.
task response
For task response, be more careful with the question. It asks about advantages and disadvantages, so keep the focus on results of pressure from parents.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good. But some ideas are too long in one sentence. Cut them into shorter parts.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, use linking words in a more natural way. Some are good, but too many can sound forced.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, make sure each paragraph has one clear main idea and then support it fully.
task response
You answer both the advantages and the disadvantages, so the task is covered.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both clear and easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs are in a logical order, and the reader can follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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