some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom?

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Some individuals claim that primary
school
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constrates
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is based
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on formal learning. In my view
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schools
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, schools
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should not focus too much on traditional teaching
rather
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, but rather
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than giving
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give
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students
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opportunities to enjoy their
time
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. Spending
long
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a long
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time
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in
school
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just learning can
effect
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affect
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their mental health and their social life.
Linking Words
To begin with, not
Remove the redundancy
apply
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To begin
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with, not only spending
long
Correct article usage
a long
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time
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in
Change preposition
studying
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school
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study
Replace the word
apply
subjects ,but
also
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teachers tend to give children homework. Educators think that forcing young people to study more can enhance their abilities.
As a
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result
Add a comma
result,
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primary
school
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students
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find going to
school
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challenging.
For example
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, if we
comaper
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compare
a student who their
schools
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just focus learning new information with
students
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whose
schools
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encourage them to play sports. We will find out that student who
is
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are
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doing outdoor activities has better grades than those with no
time
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to play.
Secondly
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,
government
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the government
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should regulate strict rules that primary
schools
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should include classes for
students
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to play sports and help
student
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students
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to discover their interests. Giving
students
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chance
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a chance
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to improve their hobbies play significant role in their mental health.
hobbies
Capitalize the word
Hobbies
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are
way
Correct article usage
a way
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to
takel
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tackle
negative emotions
such
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as. ,
strees
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streets
.
Therefore
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,
school
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can help
students
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from
younger
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a younger
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ages
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age
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to maintain
positive
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a positive
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life balance by
give
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giving
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them more
time
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to play.
For instance
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, Omani
schools
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have classes for music, sports and life skills subjects
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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make their
students
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want to come to
school
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.
To sum up
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, despite people having different opinions , I think
schools
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should include more subjects to help
students
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pracising
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practice
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their hobbies at
school
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because
this
Linking Words
can
more
Verb problem
be more
show examples
effective for their mental health.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. Say how much you agree, and also say why play is important in class.
task response
Develop each main idea with one clear reason and one clear example.
task response
Use examples with full explanation, not only one short line.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a clean way, like 'To begin with', 'Also', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and avoid repeating the same opening words.
task response
You gave a clear opinion from the start.
task response
You answered both the learning part and the play part.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used some linking words to move from one idea to the next.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general
What to do next:
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