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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie charts indicate changes in the proportions of energy produced in a country from 1983 to 2003.

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The pie charts indicate changes in the proportions of energy produced in a country from 1983 to 2003.
The two given pie charts
illustrates
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrate
show examples
 the fluctuation in the percentage of
energy
Use synonyms
 generated in a country from 1983 to 2003 from different resources.
Overall
Linking Words
, the largest proportion of
energy
Use synonyms
produced
Verb problem
is produced
show examples
 from oil, coal and natural
gas
Use synonyms
as
Change preposition
, with
show examples
 a small fraction of
energy
Use synonyms
 taken from hydropower. The second largest source of
energy
Use synonyms
 was nuclear power. As in 1983, 42% oil was consumed in the generation of
energy
Use synonyms
as
Correct word choice
, and
show examples
 the ratio declined significantly in 2003
accounted
Wrong verb form
, accounting
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 for 38 per cent. The percentage of coal was about 23% in
1983
Punctuation problem
1983,
show examples
 as
figure
Correct article usage
the figure
show examples
fall
Wrong verb form
fell
show examples
 tremendously
around
Rephrase
apply
show examples
to 13% in 2003. 23%
energy
Use synonyms
 was extracted from natural
gas
Use synonyms
. A tiny fraction made up of hydropower was 4%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the ratio of natural
gas
Use synonyms
 was 24% in
2003
Punctuation problem
2003,
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 as the figure was slightly lower than
1983
Change preposition
in 1983
show examples
. Coal
utilized
Change the spelling
utilised
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
energy
Correct article usage
the energy
show examples
 generation process was about 13%. The ratio of natural
gas
Use synonyms
 was 21% as the figure rose
up
Rephrase
apply
show examples
by 9 per cent in 2003. Same propotion of
hydrpower
Correct your spelling
hydro power
 was consumed around 4%.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words energy, gas with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • accounted for
  • made up
  • the proportion of
  • rose from ... to ...
  • fell from ... to ...
  • increased slightly
  • decreased sharply
  • the largest source
  • the second largest source
  • by contrast
  • while
  • respectively
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